PC Engine: Mugen Senshi Valis

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When you were younger, were you the type of guy who would play the home console versions of Street Fighter II, pick Chun Li, perform her Spinning Bird Kick and start Jackin’ It Hard? If so, you’re a fucked up little weirdo. But also I have a game series for you.

Valis is a series predicated entirely on the idea of “I’m horny, but I have some sort of sexual hang-up regarding pornography so this Anime Babe will have to do.” It stars barely dressed school girls who trade in their skirts for chain mail bikinis after level one and you can see the main characters’ underwear every time she jumps. There were a number of shitty games in this series, the last of which completely dropped any pretentions and just became an actual hentai visual novel, which for whatever reason really stuck in the craw of Misogynist Nerds. I found it hilarious.

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Within the first thirty seconds of firing up Mugen Senshi Valis, you will see those two screenshots. That’s what you can expect: a teenage girl in her underwear which is definitely not creepy at all. There have, over the years, been comparisons made between this series and Castlevania, in the sense that they’re both action platformers. But that’s really about it. Valis’ controls are terrible, the level designs aren’t interesting; falling into the standard “Cave World” “Ice World” “Fire World” and so on, it’s bland, it’s boring and really it’s just not any fun. Combine that with the “sex appeal” and you just have a game that makes you feel dirty playing it.

Really, in 2013, if you’re really feeling that Horned Up, there’s plenty of pornography out there with chicks in schoolgirl outfits. Then when you’re done with that, and you want to fire up the PC Engine, you can play Rondo of Blood. A far better alternative to Valis.

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