A few days ago, I flipped my shit on Tumblr. I was in a foul as heck mood, and caught an eyeful of some insanely homophobic bull shit, and naturally, I got mad as a result. It came from ECM, the fat racist prick with the shitty political comics. And while I can normally laugh at that amount of complete and total ignorance and unfounded hatred of societal progress, I wasn’t feeling it that day.
After I cooled down, though, I felt kind of guilty about my anger. Not at my raging at some dopey barnacle head whose relevance, how small it may have been, all but evaporated prior to the turn of the century; fuck him and fuck anyone who likes him. It was something else.
It’s probably painfully obvious after all this time, but I’m a big old raging homosexual. I came out at the age of twenty-two, only taking so long due to a fear of my friends rejecting me and an even bigger fear of my homophobic work environment making my professional life a living hell. Things are cool now; only a few of my friends rejected me, and I no longer work for a corporation run by folks who pepper their sentences with, “fuckin’ fags” and hire female employees based entirely on the roundness of their asses. Going out to bars and getting dudes to buy me drinks is really cool, and exclusively dating and fucking men is even cooler.
But I still think straight porn is really hot, despite all of this. And it’s a weird thing: I have absolutely zero interest in getting with a woman ever again, and it’s not as though I think gay porn is disgusting or gross. Far from it. I’ll just be chilling out online when suddenly, wham, someone I follow on one of the many social media networks I’m on will post some photos or videos of some chick taking it up the butt or something and, hey, now I’ve got this boner here and I have to do something about that.
And I feel guilty every single time.
It doesn’t happen very often. But when it does, it’s like I’m betraying myself and my “people” by doing this. I feel so fucking fake after the fact and feel that my rage at stupid motherfuckers spouting stupid shit about “the evils of homosexuality” is manufactured. It’s not, of course, but it’s also hard not to feel that way only minutes after cranking my hog to some young lady working on one or more pairs of male sex organs. It just bugs me, which is why I’m posting it here despite the fact that me jerking off is something I should probably keep to myself.
That’s why I’m posting this. Just to get it off my chest. A real confession, not like that “I own a bad port of a video game” confession. What will the reaction be? Will folks metaphorically pat me on the shoulder, telling me it’s all alright? Will they confirm my suspicions? Am I a Fake? A Fraud? A Charlatan? Who cares.