monday night raw is in denver tonight

vince mcmahon still has a grudge against our city so i’m going to make some predictions:

  • the shield will lose a 3-on-1 handicap match against santino marella. great khali will then pick up a mic and sing “rapper’s delight”
  • the new age outlaws will put laxatives in daniel bryan’s tea and succeed this time, leading to a hilarious segment where d-bry runs into a bathroom stall and throws out a bewildered nattie neidhart with a roll of toilet paper stuck to her boot
  • jack swagger, antonio cesaro and zeb coulter will say “we hate mexicans” and everyone will cheer. oh wait that happens every week.
  • darren young will have a match while michael cole and jbl make wisecracks about him being “scouted” by pat patterson
  • alberto del rio ALBORING DEL STINKO LITERALLY THE WORST WRESTLER OF ALL TIME will beat some jobber then get bodied by someone’s grandpa
  • the lights in the miz’s dressing room will go out, leaving him to get dressed in the dark. he then comes out wearing a denver broncos jersey and gets murdered by ryback in a match that makes the mike levy incident look like a chikara “slow motion” match
  • special guest stars gilbert gottfried, fran drescher and ray romano. unfortunately they couldn’t make it but luckily their phones work! for way too long!
  • a twenty minute skit similar to the one made after linda mcmahon lost her senate race where vince mcmahon pretends to take a shit on a “we are columbine” t-shirt
  • every match barring the murder of the miz will be less than four minutes long. dark match main event is triple h with a boner telling the fans “we already have your money!” then walking away.
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