Digging through the archives (part one)

Here’s some stuff I wrote down over the last few years. Posting them all here because either I think they’re funny or important in some way.


oprah’s favorite things 2012 is going to be a real television event.

i wish i had that kind of power to make a show about stuff i liked.

“uh hello welcome to my favorite things 20xx. let’s see here, i like doom, ummmm twin peaks, galaxie 500, dudes on tumblr with no reservation with getting their dicks out and japanese models in schoolgirl outfits with their butts hanging out.”


heavy metal and anime soundtracks are the only things a man needs. this is the life, i say, as my barren white walls carry the echo of my voice and my sentiments; a sound that is heard by nobody else.


a crack team of navy seals rappel down my apartment complex, forcibly enter my home and give me a stern talking-to over not deleting my roms after the 24 hour evaluation period


flag flying in the front yard. tickets to red dawn remake pre-ordered. left trolling comment on huffington post. 9/11 memorial coin just came in the mail. try and take my guns away now, obongo!


otherkin james bond struggles with shifting of phantom limbs during intense gunfight


had a dream where i had gotten a rare playstation 2 game. it was like romance of the three kingdoms but rather than managing a kingdom, you managed a jgv company. i couldn’t actually play it though, since my parents kept barging in to see this brand new game i got, and basically any action i made in it led to nothing but hardcore gay pornography. also the entire soundtrack were songs from ling toshite shigure.


are people still making jokes about that picture of danzig buying kitty litter? like seriously, what kind of insult could you make? “this guy takes care of his pets! what a fuckin’ homo!” you all make me sick


idea for big dogs t-shirt: “i got your trigger warning right HERE.” smug dog in sunglasses holds ak-47 engraved “usa.” xxl is sold out.


how would i describe my personality? well, i’m like a cross between a gay man and a homosexual


another reason why porn blogs are great: they can’t just type out, “i like many types of women, including trans women.” it has to be, “i like many types of women and also shemales, trannies, he/shes, chicks with dicks, ladyboys…”


hey cracked dot com i’m going to apply to be a writer for your fine site here’s some top ten lists i made up that you could run
– top ten potato chips to eat during the zombie apocalypse
– top ten maxim magazine cover girls i’d like to jerk off to during the zombie apocalypse
– top ten zombie apocalypse epic fails
– top ten comedies to bring to a desert island while escaping from the zombie apocalypse
– top ten kill stealing faggots in call of duty modern warfare 3 online multiplayer (who i hope i can shoot during the zombie apocalypse)
– top ten mixed martial arts techniques to use against zombie brock lesnar
– fuck


no shut up dad i can’t just get off looking at some black dude and his huge dick i need subtitles calling me a worthless sissy faggot to really get my motor going


are you ready to rock? are you ready turok? ha ha that’s just a little video game humor folks have a nice night

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