(tw: suicide)

It may or may not be apparent, after all this time and all these posts and works (I’m not sure if I’ve ever explicitly put this out there), but I have problems with depression. It’s something I never really talk about, for a number of reasons. A number of excuses, more like. Mostly because I feel like I’m just another voice in an echo chamber, or fearing that I’ll turn into some whiny fuckhead and wanting to punch my own stupid face. It’s why I always post about stupid video games and make jokes about toilets and 69 and shit. It just seems easier to make lame jokes and put on that happy face like everything is cool, rather than just facing my problems, or even just writing them down somewhere (like here).

The reason I’m writing this now is because I’ve spent the last couple of weeks hearing about people being suicidal, and some people going through with it. I don’t know any of these people. I’ve never met them and I probably never will. But whenever I see or hear something like “Does anyone know [internet person’s] contact info? This could be life-or-death here!” and/or “RIP [Person’s name]” followed by a link to a suicide prevention hotline, I get that terrible feeling of dread that tingles the back of your head. Sure, there’s that general sense of empathy over the loss of someone, even if I have no idea who they are. But then there’s that other reality check of a gutpunch that hurts worse than any fight I’ve ever been in: that could have been me.

With luck, that will never be me. I know that are people out there who be absolutely destroyed if I were gone, as narcissistic as that may sound. That no matter how bad my internal monologue may be, no matter how hard it is to get up in the morning, or how hard it is to sleep at night, no matter how many times my sub-conscious likes to point out how much of a total fuck up I am; that nobody reads my terrible stories, laughs at my lame dad jokes, or plays my shitty games because they’re bad and I’m even worse, I feel like I’m doing a disservice to people if I just say “fuck it” and end everything.

But there is one thing I plan to do: Not be a coward hiding behind irony and bad jokes, and put this stuff out there more often. Maybe just to show folks that they’re not alone? I don’t know. I’m not sure if I have that level of reach. I suppose it couldn’t hurt to try, though.

3 thoughts on “Depression”

  1. I think that’s the first time I know of that you’ve really talked about this explicitly. It’s unusually straightforward and open of you. I really appreciate how difficult it is to let go of that vulnerable feeling and put yourself out there, especially for someone with these types of struggles. I respect your willingness to try to make a difficult change for the benefit of both yourself and others, and I respect your consideration of how your own actions might affect others.

    A bit of a punch in the gut for me, actually. I’ve grown very accustomed to putting on the “make lame jokes and put on that happy face like everything is cool” act. As you mentioned, it’s partly because of excuses like feelings of futility and self-loathing, but also because it IS easier when one doesn’t want to constantly respond to “How are you?” with “Well, I feel like complete garbage, and [shit that’s going on in my head].”

    Honestly, I had a very conflicted reaction after reading this post, and I’m still working through it. I reckon it struck a chord because of my own issues, and these are topics that I’m always thinking about, especially lately. I have some thoughts I’m inclined to share, but I dunno if I should continue to bother you with my crap ideas and inquiries. I wasn’t going to comment at all but for my unusually strong reaction and the fact that I care about what you have to say. And, you know, I just seem to really like you. It’s mostly intuition, but ever since I found your Tumblr quite some time back, I’ve felt like you’re possibly only the second person I’ve ever come across who I could feel comfortable and honest around, if that makes sense…

    Anyway, I’ll just stop talking now!

  2. Yeah dude, feel free to keep going on. If you prefer, I could could reinstall Skype or post my e-mail address or something, and you can just confide stuff in me privately. I can’t say that I’ll have any kind of advice for you, but at the very least I can lend an ear.

    And that offer goes to anyone else reading this comment. We’re all in this together, even if “this” is some nebulous concept.

  3. I have no desire to put on you any inappropriate burden or expectation for advice–your ear and consideration would be more than kind–and, in such a situation, I would be more than happy to listen to anything you desired to get off your chest without feeling judged for. I did not want to come across as though I’m just looking for any willing subject to offload my troubles onto.

    I was pretty fucked up when I posted the comment. Not that what I said isn’t true (it very much is), but now I’m feeling regret for just bringing it up. What I said in that final paragraph was vague, and I was intentionally dancing around the topics I wanted to lead into due to my own fears and excessive caution. Maybe one of these days I’ll finally figure it out.

    Not sure exactly what my point is with this, if I even have one… Ignore me, I guess? I tend to be more a trouble than a help to people. I’m sorry.

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