My odd self-destructive tendencies (tw: depression stuff)

I’ve begun posting on Tumblr again. This does not mean that I’m going back to not updating this blog like I’ve been guilty of in the past. The main reason I mention this is because I made an apology post. It was a post apologizing (duh) for all the really fucked up, immature, offensive “jokes” that I made over the years that I now wholly regret. I’m bringing all this up because things like that is my form of self-harm.

I’ve never been the kind of depressed person who cuts themselves, or hurts themselves in other physical ways. It’s just never something I’ve been into. Now, flipping right the hell out and alienating those around me? That’s right up my fucked-up alley. Saying and doing things that gets people to leave me alone is how I lash out. It’s cost me a lot, socially and emotionally, and I’m certainly not proud of myself whenever I do this. Going online and making an ass out of myself on a public platform fits perfectly into this. Making offensive remarks about people and groups, making light of other people’s tragedies, being an aggravating jerk who is hard to deal with on any level is the result of my illness. I can’t cope with it alone, and ironically enough, I can’t cope with other people wanting to get involved. So I push them away, which hurts me. And that’s the kind of pain my mind wants to put me through.

It is extremely unhealthy, and I hate it. But I also find it hard to help myself. Sure, I say I’m sorry now, but who is to say that in a few months, I’m not going right on back to telling everyone to fuck off? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

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