Not this time

I got into a fight today. Like, an actual fist fight. I haven’t been in one of those in at least ten years, and yet there I was, trading blows with someone, doing my damnedest to leave him in a pile on the floor. It worked. Somehow.

It was so spontaneous: some drunken asshole sees me, shouts homophobic shit my way, shoves me a few times, making sure to ask “whaddya gonna do about it, fag?” in between each shove. Normally, in situations like these, I either get the shit knocked out of me by a group of angry, tiny dicked losers, or I manage to run away. This time, I just hauled off and drove my fist square into his ugly face, a sickening sound of nose cartilage snapping under my knuckles serving as an exclamation point.

I’ve never been a violent person. Never been very tough. Always gone out of my way to avoid conflict, to a point of maybe compromising a little too much in an argument, just to end it quicker. The concept of solving your problems with your fists always seemed really stupid.

But I really, really fucking loved hurting this guy. I’ll never admit that out loud, but I did. It felt so damn good to drive an elbow into an eye socket. It felt good to force my knee into his gut. It felt good to kick him in the balls (I never said that I fought fair). It felt good to get a couple of good stomps to his face in, before getting pulled away by a group of strangers. Standing up to hatred for once was one of the best feelings I’ve ever had, even though I feel sick thinking about it now. All that blood, all that anger; I felt like a complete monster once I finally calmed down. I can’t believe I let myself get dragged down to his level! But I’m also so very thankful for the opportunity. It’s sick. I’m sick. I needed to go home and lie down.

I know I shouldn’t feel so bad about this. I had every right to kick his ass. Hell, we all dream of standing up to some bigoted fuck and making him feel as defenseless and scared as he’s made so many of us, to just let all of that anger out at once. And yet here I am, feeling like shit about it. It’s so fucking stupid. But, I suppose that’s what happens when you solve your problems with your fists.

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