There’s something I’ve been hiding for a while. Something that, for some unknown reason, I’ve been too embarrassed to talk about: I don’t feel “right.” It’s something I’ve dealt with my whole life, and these last couple of months have been getting really bad, to the point where I just can’t ignore it anymore.
I’ve grown up always being told that being masculine; being a man, was the only way to live. “No son of mine will ever grow up to be a queer” is something I heard an awful lot. I tried to hide being the effeminate guy I was. Then I became an adult and threw all that bullshit to the side, and came out as being a gay dude. It didn’t matter how “girly” I was, being a dude is awesome! Except that it isn’t. I just act like a dude, call myself a dude, sound like a dude, because it’s all that I know.
What I’m trying to get at here is that I’m probably not a gay dude, but a straight woman.
It got really bad last night. I had just gotten out of the shower, and was getting ready to shave. Shaving is something that I have never liked doing. I hate it. There are times where I would rather just grow a beard (which I also don’t really like) than spend a few minutes with a razor. When I was doing it last night, I just stopped for a moment, looked in the mirror, and just felt weird. Like, I felt I shouldn’t be doing this. Never be doing this. What the fuck am I doing? I asked myself. I eventually finished, of course, but I just felt shit the rest of the night. Tonight it’s even worse. I’m writing this on the verge of crying, feeling like I’m about to have a dang panic attack, and the only time I have had a panic attack is when I’m faced with something so horrible and traumatizing my mind just shuts down. It’s honestly a little terrifying; that the person I always thought I was was a lie. That I’ve been wrong my whole life.
This isn’t a new thing. My brain has just had enough of my shit. Like, “hey, asshole, quick ignoring this! You can’t just put your foot down and reaffirm that you’re a man until I go away!” And, brother, it ain’t going away. I still have way too much to think about, so this isn’t some official confirmation or anything. I just had to put these feelings down somewhere.