Late night rambling

January 2015 will probably go down as the most important month in my life. Mostly just the whole “oh shit, I was a woman this whole time” plot twist that I’ve gone through. It just feels like I’ve been asleep my whole life, and I’m finally waking up, and my life is really going to begin. Just a lot of stuff opening my mind. I’ve found myself looking at women and finding them just as attractive as all the men I’ve been lusting over and jacking it to on Tumblr. Like, if I’ve been missing out on so much by fooling myself into thinking I was a man, who is to say that I haven’t been missing out getting down with the ladies, too? An opinionated, bisexual, trans woman making her own game. I’m like a gamer’s nightmare come to life. All I need is to turn black and become bound to a wheelchair and I’ll hit some jerk-off’s “anti-SJW” bingo card.

I’ve just been spending these last couple of weeks buying women’s t-shirts (and getting to deal with bullshit at the cash register over it), and changing my name in all of my vid con things. No more “James;” that guy is a million miles away at this point. There’s only Ramona. Unless I need to deal with a legal/business document or make a trip to the bank. Although, someday (soon, I hope), that will change too.

My biggest problem has been dealing with the one-two combo of depression and gender dysphoria that like to kick my ass and make me feel like absolute shit. Before, I just threw all of my mental problems into the blanket term of “depression,” not really bothering to look harder to see what the problem was (the problem was I was not happy being a man). Now that I know what the problem is, it tends to suck sometimes. And while I have people I can talk too when I’m feeling down, none of them are trans. Without sounding like too much of a moody teen, they don’t really understand what I’m going through. I can’t help but feel alone sometimes.

Like, how can I go to someone and tell them that when I feel the stubble on my face each morning, I feel as though I’ve just woken up in a shitty hotel room and I’m covered in bugs? That I try my best to sound feminine in my day to day life, but if I have to raise my voice for any reason, I slip right back into my shitty man voice and then I have to spend a few seconds talking to myself like I’m unhinged, trying to get back into the right shift in tone? That there are times when I can only look at my reflection out of the corner of my eye, because I hate the look of my own body that much? That when I look at clothes when I’m out shopping, I feel like I’m about to commit the crime of the century. And whenever I end up grabbing something (I just calm down and remind myself that store employees don’t give a fuck; they just want your money), I end up getting weird looks and “you know these are women’s clothes, right sir?” in that fucking voice. The voice that you use when talking to a room of 1st graders. It sucks all around. Doesn’t help that I also maintain a Tumblr blog about games, and am currently developing two games of my own, all while this Gamergate bullshit is going on and a bunch of pissed off incels who think a lady on YouTube is going to take their toys away are doing their absolute best to ensure that if you are a trans woman, you will pray for death, because they will make life unbearable. I’d be lying if I didn’t feel a slight bit of regret, or even outright fear, for coming out at times.

But at the end of the day, I don’t regret my decision. And no matter how shitty I feel, I never will. It’s a tough road ahead of me, and I know that it will only get worse from here. But the end of the road: me being the woman that I was too foolish to realize I always wanted to be, will be oh so sweet. Whether or not this really is a journey worth taking, or if it’s just something I’m telling myself whenever I go through an episode of anxiety is up to you, the reader, to interpret.

2 thoughts on “Late night rambling”

  1. Hey, how’s it goin’? It has been a while. That post, the one asking about me, left me pretty surprised. I’ve probably said it before, but you’ve always been one of the coolest people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing through the internet (or elsewhere). I was taken aback when you said you considered me a friend; I never really imagined I was perceived as anything more than “some random dude that follows you around”. Of course, I have a bad habit of projecting my negative feelings onto others. Thank you for thinking of me. Your impressions of my state of mind were pretty spot on, haha. I spent some time in a psychiatric hospital. Interesting experience. Things haven’t exactly been golden since I got out, but I don’t think I have much right to complain.

    I think it’s you who has embarked on a much grander journey. It’s great that you’re gaining a fuller understanding of yourself and moving closer to what you want your life to be. Reconciling one’s nature is such a difficult thing. You impress me, honestly. I know someone around your same age who harbors similar issues with gender. Understandably, they haven’t yet made an attempt to transition or publicly come out. In part, I believe it’s because of the social blowback they fear. I can only imagine the amount of determination and courage required to follow through on something so life changing in the face of a world that frequently doesn’t understand and doesn’t want to understand. Then again, I’m not a particularly courageous person.

    In any case, I so very much wish you the best. It would really make me glad to see you progress in the direction that’s best for you and your health. Not to sound overly mystical, but I have an intuition that you can make it happen.

  2. Dang, that sounds rough. But I’m glad to hear that you’re alright! In any event, it’s good to have you back, and I hope that things begin to pick up for you.

    It’s still a bit of a rough going on this end. But at least I know that I have people’s support now, whereas before I just felt very isolated. My friends and my sister having my back, as well as getting in touch with more Trans people, has meant a lot. More than I thought it would.

    (btw, Ivory Circle supported my coming out, if you wanted another reason to like them)

    I mean, I know full well I have a tough ahead of me (TERFs and Gamergate like to frequently remind me of that), but every day, I feel more and more confident that I can handle it. But I get why your friend is trepidatious about things. I want to do my part and fight against that, and get ourselves to a point where someone can transition in peace.

    Thank you for all your kind words. It’s good to see you again. Please don’t be a stranger, mac.

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