January 2015 will probably go down as the most important month in my life. Mostly just the whole “oh shit, I was a woman this whole time” plot twist that I’ve gone through. It just feels like I’ve been asleep my whole life, and I’m finally waking up, and my life is really going to begin. Just a lot of stuff opening my mind. I’ve found myself looking at women and finding them just as attractive as all the men I’ve been lusting over and jacking it to on Tumblr. Like, if I’ve been missing out on so much by fooling myself into thinking I was a man, who is to say that I haven’t been missing out getting down with the ladies, too? An opinionated, bisexual, trans woman making her own game. I’m like a gamer’s nightmare come to life. All I need is to turn black and become bound to a wheelchair and I’ll hit some jerk-off’s “anti-SJW” bingo card.
I’ve just been spending these last couple of weeks buying women’s t-shirts (and getting to deal with bullshit at the cash register over it), and changing my name in all of my vid con things. No more “James;” that guy is a million miles away at this point. There’s only Ramona. Unless I need to deal with a legal/business document or make a trip to the bank. Although, someday (soon, I hope), that will change too.
My biggest problem has been dealing with the one-two combo of depression and gender dysphoria that like to kick my ass and make me feel like absolute shit. Before, I just threw all of my mental problems into the blanket term of “depression,” not really bothering to look harder to see what the problem was (the problem was I was not happy being a man). Now that I know what the problem is, it tends to suck sometimes. And while I have people I can talk too when I’m feeling down, none of them are trans. Without sounding like too much of a moody teen, they don’t really understand what I’m going through. I can’t help but feel alone sometimes.
Like, how can I go to someone and tell them that when I feel the stubble on my face each morning, I feel as though I’ve just woken up in a shitty hotel room and I’m covered in bugs? That I try my best to sound feminine in my day to day life, but if I have to raise my voice for any reason, I slip right back into my shitty man voice and then I have to spend a few seconds talking to myself like I’m unhinged, trying to get back into the right shift in tone? That there are times when I can only look at my reflection out of the corner of my eye, because I hate the look of my own body that much? That when I look at clothes when I’m out shopping, I feel like I’m about to commit the crime of the century. And whenever I end up grabbing something (I just calm down and remind myself that store employees don’t give a fuck; they just want your money), I end up getting weird looks and “you know these are women’s clothes, right sir?” in that fucking voice. The voice that you use when talking to a room of 1st graders. It sucks all around. Doesn’t help that I also maintain a Tumblr blog about games, and am currently developing two games of my own, all while this Gamergate bullshit is going on and a bunch of pissed off incels who think a lady on YouTube is going to take their toys away are doing their absolute best to ensure that if you are a trans woman, you will pray for death, because they will make life unbearable. I’d be lying if I didn’t feel a slight bit of regret, or even outright fear, for coming out at times.
But at the end of the day, I don’t regret my decision. And no matter how shitty I feel, I never will. It’s a tough road ahead of me, and I know that it will only get worse from here. But the end of the road: me being the woman that I was too foolish to realize I always wanted to be, will be oh so sweet. Whether or not this really is a journey worth taking, or if it’s just something I’m telling myself whenever I go through an episode of anxiety is up to you, the reader, to interpret.