I had a really bad episode today. The worst I have ever had. All of my depression and dysphoria came bubbling to the surface in a terrifying two hour stretch. Just so much rage, fear, sadness hitting me all at once, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I have never felt so helpless, and so alone in my whole life.
But I’m still here. Whether it’s out an animalistic instinct to stay alive, or just cowardice, I’m not sure. And I’ve calmed down greatly since (please do not worry about me, although I realize that by posting this, it’s unavoidable). I just know that now, I need to use this time to do something positive. Something creative.
As silly, and as, I don’t know, flippant or disrespectful to my situation as this may seem, I’ve been thinking about the game I’ve been working on all this time. Wanting to die is a strangely inspiring thing (don’t think for a single second that I’m trying to romanticize this). I don’t like my game. I don’t think it’s as good as I can make it, and as I said in my last post, if you’re a woman in games, you have to make something worth dying for. I’m not willing to die for this. I need to scrap this, and start over. I’ve been so focused on “mechanics” and “design” and making everyone else happy, that I didn’t stop to think of myself; what I want. I think it’s time I focused on me.
But that’s for later. I’m just tired right now, and I have a lot to think about.