5/31/15

I’ve been having these terrible stress dreams lately. They’ve all been about me trying to exist out in the world as a full-on woman. Making sure my clothes and my makeup are right. Making sure my voice doesn’t “slip” back into its original masculine state. Making sure I stay safe. Making sure my friends still like me after they see me. It sucks.¬†Of course, it doesn’t help that I’ve been stressed the hell out in the real world doing the exact same shit.

I’m not going to lie: there are a lot of times I’m terrified of going outside looking the way I do. So I take the Coward’s Way Out and go right on back to passing myself off as a man. I hate myself for doing it every single time. For some reason, there are younger trans women that look up to me, and what kind of example am I setting by doing that? I mean, it’s not like I hate being trans, or wish I never came out or anything¬†like that. I’m just really afraid of what’s out there waiting for me if I don’t “look right.” Combine that with my own self-loathing and the ever-present Gender Problems (or dysphoria, as the normies call it), it’s a wonder I can even properly function like a normal human being.

I look forward to a day where this isn’t a problem.

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