I’m at home, playing my XBox 360, when I get a message from my ex-girlfriend. She tells me that if I wanted her back, I would have to beat her at an online match in The Golden Compass. Unlike the actual, shitty game Sega rushed out to stores, this version of the game was a pixel for pixel rip-off of Capcom’s Lost Planet: Extreme Condition, only the game took place in large warehouses instead of bug-infested snow fields.
Anyways. I accepted her challenge, since I did kind of miss her. Since I didn’t actually own the game, I just threw my copy of Lost Planet into the XBox and downloaded a patch from XBox Live. I entered her game and got ready to get to work. Win, in other words. Despite her never having played a video game since Rayman on the Playstation, the match was close, with the two of us trading rounds like we were experts. Then the game gives me a message:
“YourANoob” has joined the game.
The voice in my headset lets me know that it’s her current boyfriend who’s interrupted our game. I’ve been had. I never had a chance to get her back, and now I was going to pay for it in the most humiliating way possible: losing in an online game and being forced to listen to the two of them taunt me through their headsets (Golden Compass had been criticized in reviews for having, “a lack of moderator options.”).
I ragequit the game after getting killed by homing-missiles six times in a row and go back to playing Call of Duty 4.