Video games are fucking trash. I hate this industry so fucking much.

A woman who took time out of her busy schedule of trying not to be killed by the internet to see if I was okay following a really horrible, almost suicidal episode is currently having her life upended and her entire family doxxed by a bunch of assholes upset about some shit 3DS game. Nintendo bent over backwards and offered her as a sacrifice, emboldening hateful assholes while the public gawks and makes “Zoe Quinn 2.0” remarks with no semblance of empathy whatsoever.

A transgender speedrunner deleted her Twitch account following mountains of transphobic abuse. Yet another one of us singled out because of bigotry, dealing with losers doing their damnedest to isolate, terrify, and ultimately end her life. I’m hoping she can bounce back, but given how badly games, even the most progressive of places, have failed us, I’m scared.

I’m scared for them, and scared for everyone else who still has to deal with this shit. Scared of checking my messages every morning, not knowing if today will be the day I’ll actually lose a friend. The secret of Gaming’s Feminist Illuminati: we’re fucking broke, and miserable, and we all have lost the will to live. We’re trapped in a pit, surrounded by worried spectators unable to do a damn thing, while the people who can save us are on an extended smoke break. And yet, like idiots, we keep plugging away making or writing about games. Paying respect to and defending an art form loaded to the brim with people who would douse us in gasoline and set us on fire if they knew they could get away with it.

And for what reason? You want to work in the big leagues? For a mainstream, AAA company? Nintendo thinks we’re fucking garbage; they have all but proven that the way they allowed an innocent bystander to take the heat for a decision they themselves made. Safety is not guaranteed, not even in the biggest fucking company in the world.

Or maybe try your hand in the indie scene? A scene dominated by whisper campaigns, petty grudges, “activists” who will all too gladly adopt the same tactics of the hate groups they purport to despise in order to right any perceived wrong. Where even Offworld, a specifically designated safe space, will sell you out in a heartbeat because the editors are sick and tired of hearing about the abuse you’re dealing with.

Today is a day where I feel as though there is no hope. That someone else will have their life destroyed. That someone could die. And nobody will care, barring a handful of half-assed tweets, before immediately being ooh-ed and awed by a shiny new Amiibo or some shit.

I’ve spent today being triggered to hell and back, feeling powerless that I can’t help my friends, dealing with people trying to go after me for giving my friends moral support, dealing my own shitty brain that keeps telling me to hurt myself, stupid fucking gender shit, deleting late night messages from my own family reiterating how much they hate me. My patience, my sanity, my will is all worn down to a fine nub. I keep opening and immediately closing all of my game-making programs. Right now everything is stress and pain and fear. The Bad Guys are winning. I feel like I’m drowning.

Hey, maybe I’ll play some more Stardew Valley. I realize you can’t hear my bitterness through text.

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