Overwatch Headcanon: Soldier 76

  • Has a paid subscription to Brazzers dot com.
  • His preferred type is all of the women who have ludicrous amounts of plastic surgery. “Bimbo Porn” is frequently typed into his Bing search bar.
  • Always settles down with a bottle of beer. Not a can; he thinks it’s not as classy, despite drinking total shit like Michelob and Bud.
  • Types out his Facebook posts about his political beliefs entirely in all-caps. He’s That Guy.
  • VERY opinionated about Colin Kaepernick.
  • Doesn’t want to support¬†Trump, but his misplaced sense of manhood and patriotism prevents him from ever wanting to give Killary the vote.
  • Ranks female Overwatch teammates based on how badly he wants to fuck them. Tracer is a tentative #1, but he’d really like to see her get breast implants, first.
  • Only watched lesbian porn until he was 35 because he was so grossed out by seeing another penis.
  • Eats TV Dinners six out of seven nights of the week.
  • Despite living alone, he has a dedicated Man Cave in his house.
  • During a late night masturbation session, saw a photo of Bailey Jay and had no idea how to handle the new feelings he had.
  • Hasn’t spoken to his family in fifteen years.¬†He can cope with his loneliness most of the time, but finds himself struggling to not cry during the holidays. Unfortunately, he considers emotions to be a “woman thing” so he never gets any help or support.
  • Considers Lucio to be “One of the Good Ones”

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