10/3/2016

Sorry, folks. Meant to have this up earlier but uhhh I wasn’t really in the right place, mentally. What spurred all this week’s work on was this intense self-loathing; to make things that were ugly, with clashing color schemes.

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I’ve been trying to single-handedly work out a lot of bitterness I’ve had over the course of the last year; I hate having to vent about stupid shit on Twitter in between all of my good (add or remove inverted commas as you see fit) posts. Then this GaymerX thing went down and it was like, hey, here’s a bunch of photos of your peers, hanging out, having a good time, smiling from ear-to-ear. Also, they all hate you for reasons you’ve long since stopped trying to figure out and think you’re this irredeemable monster who should be forever shunned and have stones and curses cast at you until you’re dead. And this massive, sudden reminder more or less fucked me up all week.

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To quote another artist that I deeply respect, Porpentine Charity Heartscape:

Build the shittiest thing possible. Build out of trash because all i have is trash. Trash materials, trash bodies, trash brain syndrome. Build in the gaps between storms of chronic pain. Build inside the storms.

And that’s what I did. Or tried to do. Whatever. I wanted something that looked as ugly and shitty as I was (am?) feeling. I just said fuck it; let’s have some green, some mustard yellow, some gross orange. Who cares? I’m fucking angry and upset and it feels like nobody else cares. I realize now that that’s only kind of bullshit. But now I’m back to an emotional Square One and it’s going to take some time to get back into the groove of not letting bitterness and rage, no matter how justifiable, control me. I’d much rather be the best person I can be, even if that person is a monster.

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