ARCHIVE: top ten video game dudes i want to bang me in the butt

[Ramona’s note: this was originally posted back in August 2017]

I read this list earlier in the week on some website that I already forgot about. It was a top ten list of hot male video game characters. It was obviously went to be in jest and not, like, a real thing, which is why it had a bunch of lame ass marks on it.

I’m going to make my own. But like, for real. Because I mean, fuck it, this is my website and I’m bored and I can post whatever I want on here. Let’s do this.

 

10. McCree

Despite getting a 100% completion in multiple Metal Gear titles, I’m not normally into the whole “gruff hairy dude who smokes” look. Smoking is gross as hell. But McCree is pretty, uh, pretty though. Like, he’s such an obvious poser; you can tell at a glance that his whole “cowboy” gimmick is just that, and that his knowledge of country music is limited to “Rhinestone Cowboy” and the soundtrack to Fallout: New Vegas. It’s endearing, and he’s definitely a sensitive guy underneath all that tough guy bullshit.

 

9. Dante (DmC)

I’m pretty sure nobody actually liked the Devil May Cry reboot except for me and like two other people. I don’t give a fuck, it was good. And the new Dante was multiple degrees hotter than Capcom’s original. This is like the one time I’ve ever made an exception for the whole “hot guy all beat up” look that’s all over Tumblr. Like, fuck dude, look at him. Personality wise, he’s probably the kind of guy that demands you watch “Eraserhead” on the first date and flips if you don’t have an encyclopedic knowledge of Vampire Weekend, but it doesn’t matter because the dick is bomb and you’re not going to stick around for long.

 

8. Lee Chaolan

The last time I’ve actually played as Lee since like 2005 was the two rounds in Tekken 7’s shitty story mode. I should probably start learning his combos or something, because I like looking at him. I mean, he’s hot. He’s a hot older dude. A fucking DILF. He’s come a long way from his fucked up looking Tekken 2 renders, and his new outfit makes him look like the star of a local Host Bar. And I’m sure Lee is one of the only guys on this list that would totally eat your ass without you needing to say anything first.

 

7. K’

I’m not very good with K’ in any of the King of Fighters games I’ve played. Though, to be fair, I’m not good at KOF games in general. But of all the hot boy protagonists in that series, he’s the only one that isn’t boring as fuck or some sort of blood-thirsty weirdo who breathes smoke. Also the leather. I’m not a super leather freak, but that jumpsuit really does it for me.

 

6. Kuja

Confession: I never finished Final Fantasy IX, so I don’t know much about Kuja’s character. I did however, spend a lot of time during my trip to Santa Clarita back in 2012 playing Dissidia 012 and staring at his bulge. I don’t know, I want him to bang me in the butt.

 

5. Benimaru Nikaido

Yeah, I definitely main Benimaru when I play KOF. But I really got into him while playing a ton of Capcom vs SNK 2 on my PS2, even though he wasn’t exactly a high tier character. He’s got the crop top, the tight pants, the swimmer physique. It should start becoming clear that I have a type: wispy effeminate dudes who will totally scream uncontrollably after you starting putting your fingers into their buttholes. Benimaru seems like he would do that after the first finger goes in.

 

4. Alucard

My second video-game boycrush. He’s this elegantly-dressed, inhumanly beautiful man who doesn’t give a fuck. He’ll take you out dancing. You don’t even like dancing; it makes you nervous. You step on his feet all the time and look like a fool. But it doesn’t matter, because he looks you in the eyes, leans over and whispers some encouraging words in your ears, and the unintentional ASMR takes over and now you’re a human-shaped jello mold.

 

3. Leon Kennedy

You need to get yourself a man who can still make wisecracks and still even think of a love life, despite spending over a decade dealing with Cronenberg-esque body horror and weirdos selling him guns kept underneath their coats. Shit that would put a normal man into a lifetime of therapy and placed into a licensed persons care. He still has the GQ model hair, and (again) the swimmer physique and the form fitting clothes and I’m having a hard time typing because I keep looking up at this fanart I just posted above.

 

2. Raiden

Fuck the haters, Raiden is hot as fuck. He was hot in MGS2, and he was hot when got turned into a cyborg in MGS4, and then when he got turned into even more of a cyborg in Metal Gear Rising. He’s running around, grunting and sweating in that skin-tight suit that outlines every inch of his body. Raiden was literally designed from the ground up to be this smoking hot stud that made you want to lick ice cream off his chest. Plus, it’s canon that he has a large penis, even while flaccid. Now, I am no size queen by any stretch, but sometimes you just need to see a dick that intimidates you.

 

1. Cloud Strife

And here he is: Number One. It’s Cloud. Of course it would be Cloud; Final Fantasy VII is my favorite game of all time. It was the first time that Younger Me even gave consideration to a man being attractive. He is the reason I have The Type that I do. Plus, you could also be mean and domineering, making him wear the dress and have him do humiliating things that totally turn him on despite his protests. Besides, it’s not we all don’t already know that he totally moans like a girl when he cums, anyway.

 

Honorable Mentions:
Ash Crimson (King of Fighters)
Ashley Riot (Vagrant Story)
Pretty much every other Final Fantasy character
Soma Cruz (Castlevania)
Vega (Street Fighter)
Shulk (Xenoblade)

meteroids

I’ve been going through some of my old posts on here (remember, I have all of my original blog posts still in a private archive), looking for anything that had value. Things where I showed off some sort of creativity, or I was funny, or something that wasn’t just me complaining about things that give me PTSD nowadays. I’ll be reposting some of these entries over time, until they’re all done.

This one is from all the way back in June 28, 2011. Jesus, almost seven years ago (I have posts dating all the way back to 2008). Actually, this is two posts in one. The first part of this was a part of my “dream journal,” where I write about the crazy shit I dream about, and am able to clearly remember when I wake up, and then also remember to write down. So, let me just copy/paste the dream part in this block quote first.

I’ve been having these dreams lately. The events are always different, yet the setting is constant and the characters are always the same people, but with larger or smaller roles in the story each night. These dreams are not even remotely nightmarish, yet they still bother me for whatever reason. Here are a few of the more memorable ones.

I’m back at my old high school. Despite my age (twenty-three), I’m a student enrolled here. My classmates are either blank-faced extras who exist simply to exist; to fill empty space, or former co-workers. None of the actual students I went to school with have ever appeared. I have a schedule that I have to follow, with classes to attend and assignments to work on. Due to my inconsistent dreaming, I don’t actually know what my classes are, where they are, or what I’m supposed to be doing. I tend to just follow a group of people into the nearest room and play things by ear.

We’re in an English class now. We’re all asked to hand in a piece of writing. I manage to make a paper copy of something from this site at the last second and give it to our teacher. Confident, I turn to one of my classmates and ask her how well she thinks she did. She laughs at me and points to the teacher. The teacher tells me that what I have is promising, and that I have lots of potential. She is lying to me. I can see over her shoulder and see in large, bold red ink:

THIS SUCKS
FAIL

Classes have let out for the day, so it’s time for me to get to work at my new job: homicide detective for the NYPD. Strangely, the case I’m trying to solve is the murder of my own partner. My investigating prowess seems like it could use some work; I ask one witness the same question five times. It works though, and now I have a new lead at a small diner across the street from an elementary school. The only thing I find here is the ghost of my former partner, who only winks at me.

I’m back in school. This time the class (which I later said to myself, “is a class I don’t go to very often, since I can never remember where it is”) is going to watch a film for the entire hour. The “film” is actually just a breaking news story about the death of my partner, followed by a book review of The Great Gatsby. I have no interest in this, and I also notice that the teacher has vanished. I take this opportunity to take my leave. On my way out, the girl I spoke to in my English class bumps into me. It seems that she’s being harassed by a fellow student: some dumb kid with bad fashion sense who seems to think that he’s God’s Gift to Women. He tries to put his hand on her shoulder. Instead, I, uncharacteristically, violently grab him by the wrist and tell him that, “if you don’t leave her alone, I’m going to fucking kill you, you dumb prick!” He puts on a tough guy act, calling me a bitch and a faggot and trying to shove me. I ignore him and escort the girl away.

I run into this kid three more times. Each time, he has a new henchman with him. This henchman then tries to goad me into a fight. Instead of using my fists or my feet, I fight them with my brain. What I mean by this is I used my sense of humor and my cynical and sardonic personality to screw with their heads. One attempts to stop me after classes let out, to which I tap on the cover of a recently acquired copy of the first season of Astro Boy (the 2006 relaunch). I tell him that “Astro Boy is more important. Sayonara!” My walking speed creates enough distance between myself and the kicks this kid tries to throw my way.

The second one I manage to avoid in the restroom. This restroom is not like a regular one: it’s two stories, with an elevator and emergency slide in each stall. Each stall also comes with an installed monitor and joystick, complete with a copy of an old (fictional) arcade title, Meteoroids. Students like to beat the high score in-between classes (scores are kept on a school-wide online leaderboard), hence why there are so many stalls. I’m not very good at this game, so I never leave the top 8,000 player list. The bully and his two bodyguards try looking for me in here. Thanks to my speed and my knowledge of the emergency slides, I can duck into different stalls, confusing them in this porcelain maze. I resolve to play Meteoroids again, and this time actually winning.

The third one actually manages to get his hands on me. He grabs me by my bicep, like he’s a cop trying to arrest me. With my free hand, I grab his face and apply the old pro wrestling submission hold, the Iron Claw. I give him my terms: you let go of me, I let go of you. He’s not a very smart kid, but he complies. I eventually come to face all four of them. I flamboyantly saunter to all four of them, flick them on the foreheads with my index finger and give them each a new name: all of them are “Dick.”

I finally leave the school, where I run into a student (co-worker). An small Asian lady in her early forties, she not only still goes to this school, but has somehow gained horrible posture, walking at nearly a ninety degree angle. Not realizing her handicap, she asks me if I would like a ride home. I politely refuse. Although, without a car, how was I going to get back to the police station?

And that’s just, like, a weird dream.

Then, in 2011, I’m looking around some emulation sites for some ROMs to add to my MAME collection. And in doing so, I found the game I thought was a fictional game that my subconscious made up for a dream. Meteroids is a real game!

It’s also not very good! It’s a very obvious Asteroids rip-off, and is actually much uglier. At least Asteroids had that nice, very, very, lo-fi look to it.

Hold on, here’s what I said in ’11:

Yep. Meteoroids is a real game. Sadly, it’s only a pretty lame rip-off of Asteroids with dial controls (which, in emulation terms, means: “touchy as fuck”) and zero semblance of thoughtful design. Too bad.

But hey, there’s at least the personal novelty of only having heard about the game after having a weird dream involving it. I’ll go ahead and post a download link for it, too, so you can try it out yourself. Get it here.