final post of 2018

Today is New Years Eve. I’m going to talk about the good things in 2018. And the things I want more of in 2019.

First, to all my friends. Thank you for sticking with me, even when you probably had better things to do than deal with my weird, mentally ill ass. That goes for all of you I’ve known for years, whose bonds I like to think I’ve strengthened, and for all the wonderful people I’ve met this year. I know that I’m probably not the easiest person to be around, or listen to, or look at, but I appreciate you all being there nonetheless. Gabi, Charlotte, Sarah, SF, Pode, Nora, Amanda, Alex, Melly, Sasha, Zedra, Other Sara, and anyone else I forgot because I’m writing this bullshit off the top of my head: you’re all great, and I love you.

Second, to everyone who has supported my work. Everyone who has liked, shared, or even paid for my art. Or just hung around in general. One of the “great” things about Bipolar Disorder is that it makes me paranoid as fuck; constantly being annoyed by a voice telling me that I don’t actually have any real friends, and that everyone is just here to gawk at me like some sideshow freak, waiting for my next big breakdown, like I’m Chris-chan or DarkSydePhil or something. Probably doesn’t help that there are people who are only around to gawk at me like some sideshow freak, waiting for my next big breakdown. I absolutely melted down over this a few weeks ago, which is something I’m still very much ashamed of. And every so often I have to look at those numbers on “social media” or itch.io or whatever and see that that’s not actually true. So thank you all.

Third, to all the groups and outlets that took a chance on me. Snexploration, for letting me tell stupid jokes into a microphone and pretend like I’m not a complete dunce while trying to say deep things about Super Nintendo games (look forward to the Wizardry episode…sometime soon I don’t know). Game and Love, for being willing to put me up front and center to a queer games audience, despite the baggage that comes with my name (and shout out to the one member of the group who I know absolutely hates my guts, but has been willing to at least be civil in the discord; this is an actual thank you, not some passive-aggressive swipe). And apologies for only writing about games on a sporadic basis as of late. Maybe that will change in 2019. PC Gamer, that one time they published my piece on Fire Pro Wrestling’s welcoming community, before it completely fell apart due to petty drama and the owner of Fire Pro Club being a pedophile, retroactively making me look like a goddamned fool. So you know, thanks for that, I guess. Assholes.

Fourth, MY GIRLFRIEND.

the one on the right. not sonic. i understand that when it comes to me, this could easily be confusing.

I know that shit’s been rough the last few months, and we haven’t really had the time to have a relationship due to that. But I’m hoping this coming year will spare us the bullshit, and we can go back to being gay dumbasses the way god (or as I call him, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, while I walk around Barnes and Noble putting copies of the Bible in the “fiction” department) intended.

2019 is going to involve me (hopefully) leaving the bullshit in the past. A year where I become a better friend, a better partner, and a better artist. And if I’m lucky, maybe even a better person. But let’s not push our luck, here. In the meantime, I’m going to ride out the last few hours of the year, feeling pretty good for not giving into the temptation to start drinking again (four month anniversary is the 7th!).

Happy New Year, everyone!

goodbye to tumblr

Tumblr announced this morning that as of December 17th, all “adult content” will be banned from its site, and that adult oriented sites will most likely be taken down. Despite having about eight years worth of porn reblogs, ironic shock images and girls with their boners hanging out, I still sincerely doubt that I’ll be hit. In all honesty, I’m sure that the 17th will hit, a handful of places I follow will be shut down, and nothing else. But I’m still saying goodbye to Tumblr for reasons of principle. This isn’t about me scrolling down my dashboard and getting my rocks off to some awesome porn. It’s about Tumblr’s language; the targeting of “female-presenting nipples.” The fuck does that mean? The targeting of sex workers. The fact that its anti-porn algorithm is already an absolute joke that has, and will continue to, target non-sexual LGBT blogs, in a time where queer people (especially young ones) are already losing more and more online spaces.

There’s also the fact that, despite having a nice enough following on there from years of making video game gifs, it is a terrible place to promote my work. And as bad and soul-crushing and fascist-enabling as Twitter is, I still sort of need it to let people know that I create things. So in light of all this, Tumblr ends up becoming an acceptable loss.

And while Tumblr was a terribly coded, terribly managed website with bad design that gave birth to the “callout culture” that is currently blacklisting and shunning about a million trans women on Twitter for the crimes of “liking things” or “being a follower of a follower of a follower of a follower of someone who sucks,” it had its good points. So I’m going to reminisce about them.

  • It was, and to a much smaller extent, still is, a great place to find artists. Especially artists in Japan, as prior to hashtags becoming so prevalent, finding artists in other countries with a language barrier was much more difficult. And as I’ve said on multiple occasions, my biggest influences in the art world come from Japan.
  • That time I was a moderator for the fuckyeah1990s tinychat. A lot of fun nights with people around my age, watching, listening to, and remembering things from our childhoods. Also banning people who kept showing their dicks on their webcams. Haven’t spoken to any of those people in at least a few years. Hope they’re all doing well.
  • Meeting a lot of cool people. Despite Tumblr’s impersonal style of posting an image and shutting the fuck up, I managed to make connections and friendships with some nice folks. Hell, it even got me started on the path of “working on games and actually finishing them” when my King’s Field posts caught the attention of the Moonlit Corpse director (ironically, a game that was never finished).
  • The porn.
  • Getting exposed to new games, new music, new experiences that I wasn’t getting much of before.

So it’s kind of a bittersweet moment that it’s (most likely) going to die and I’m taking off. Like the main character of a sitcom turning off the lights at the end of the final episode. I’m sure I’ll feel the same when Twitter finally dies, despite that site ruining my life. There were good memories underneath all the bullshit. And even if the site still remains as a shambling corpse of what it once was, it is still the end of an era.

winter playlist

Back in 2014, I put together this playlist of moody game music. Songs that evoke the feeling not of the holidays, but of the bitterly cold, dark time of Winter. Bringing it back in 2018 because, well, the original post is long gone now.

Hope you enjoy it.