A Real Confession

A few days ago, I flipped my shit on Tumblr. I was in a foul as heck mood, and caught an eyeful of some insanely homophobic bull shit, and naturally, I got mad as a result. It came from ECM, the fat racist prick with the shitty political comics. And while I can normally laugh at that amount of complete and total ignorance and unfounded hatred of societal progress, I wasn’t feeling it that day.

After I cooled down, though, I felt kind of guilty about my anger. Not at my raging at some dopey barnacle head whose relevance, how small it may have been, all but evaporated prior to the turn of the century; fuck him and fuck anyone who likes him. It was something else.

It’s probably painfully obvious after all this time, but I’m a big old raging homosexual. I came out at the age of twenty-two, only taking so long due to a fear of my friends rejecting me and an even bigger fear of my homophobic work environment making my professional life a living hell. Things are cool now; only a few of my friends rejected me, and I no longer work for a corporation run by folks who pepper their sentences with, “fuckin’ fags” and hire female employees based entirely on the roundness of their asses. Going out to bars and getting dudes to buy me drinks is really cool, and exclusively dating and fucking men is even cooler.

But I still think straight porn is really hot, despite all of this. And it’s a weird thing: I have absolutely zero interest in getting with a woman ever again, and it’s not as though I think gay porn is disgusting or gross. Far from it. I’ll just be chilling out online when suddenly, wham, someone I follow on one of the many social media networks I’m on will post some photos or videos of some chick taking it up the butt or something and, hey, now I’ve got this boner here and I have to do something about that.

And I feel guilty every single time.

It doesn’t happen very often. But when it does, it’s like I’m betraying myself and my “people” by doing this. I feel so fucking fake after the fact and feel that my rage at stupid motherfuckers spouting stupid shit about “the evils of homosexuality” is manufactured. It’s not, of course, but it’s also hard not to feel that way only minutes after cranking my hog to some young lady working on one or more pairs of male sex organs. It just bugs me, which is why I’m posting it here despite the fact that me jerking off is something I should probably keep to myself.

That’s why I’m posting this. Just to get it off my chest. A real confession, not like that “I own a bad port of a video game” confession. What will the reaction be? Will folks metaphorically pat me on the shoulder, telling me it’s all alright? Will they confirm my suspicions? Am I a Fake? A Fraud? A Charlatan? Who cares.

One thought on “A Real Confession”

  1. Wow. That was a very honest post. *metaphorically pats you on the shoulder* 😛

    I don’t think I can speak for anyone who describes themselves as homosexual. If someone prefers homosexual contact, and is content to use that label, that’s up to them. I myself dislike labels, especially when it comes to sexuality, because it seems like such a fluid thing in my experience, but I suppose I would consider myself closer to something like polysexual… Whatever. Point is, I like what I like, and I do what I do. I don’t ever consider myself to be representing some larger group, at any time. In fact, I frequently have a distaste for organized groups.

    I entertain the notion of traditional sexual contact with men much more than I do with women, even though I do think women possess beautiful and attractive qualities. I started to notice at a very young age, when I thought I was Mr. Hetero God Bless ‘Murka watching that straight porn, I was paying a lot more attention to the D than I should be. This made me feel extremely guilty and broken, due to various reasons involving my upbringing, but after a long and arduous period, I got to the point where I decided that I like what I like and I will not scorn myself for it. Now I read comments on gay, transgender, bi, etc. porn with presumed heterosexual men trying their absolute damnedest to reconcile their desires and their heterosexuality and shake my head. I guess that is why I dislike clinging to labels. It seems to encourage so much unnecessary stress and strain.

    I still watch a great deal of straight porn. I think it’s hot, even if I’m not particularly interested in fucking the girl in it. Nice dick is nice dick, and nice ass is nice ass. I’m not going to go into the deeper depths of specific sexual desires and kinks, but at least partly, I think gay porn just isn’t that well made in many cases, making it harder to find something enjoyable, and even then the most attractive stuff tends to be amateur. Nevertheless, I do enjoy gay and other types of porn.

    Obviously, you don’t appear to be a fraud or charlatan intentionally trying to deceive people. Are you a fake? Hell if I know, but I think that would be a harsh assessment no matter what conclusion you come to. I think we’re all at least a little fake to ourselves in some ways. Self-deception is extremely powerful and affects everyone to different extents. All we can do is try our best to examine ourselves and be honest with ourselves. Beyond that, most of us tend to put on some sort of facade when dealing with others, even if it’s minimal and unconscious. That can feed back into our self-perception.

    I don’t think you should feel guilty or ashamed. You’re not betraying anyone, regardless of what you like or do sexually. Life progresses, and we’re constantly expanding and adjusting our perspective. You appear to prefer exclusive male sexual contact, and you aren’t interested in getting with a woman or anything else. That’s pretty homosexual by most definitions. Watching straight porn doesn’t necessarily change that. You know yourself better than anyone else does. Maybe it’s just a situation where you need to find out how this properly fits into your total perspective.

    WELP! You asked for a comment, haha. Sorry, I don’t want to ramble on too much. I do hope you can reconcile it for yourself. It definitely sucks feeling shitty about this kind of stuff. Peace!

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