It may or may not be apparent, after all this time and all these posts and works (I’m not sure if I’ve ever explicitly put this out there), but I have problems with depression. It’s something I never really talk about, for a number of reasons. A number of excuses, more like. Mostly because I feel like I’m just another voice in an echo chamber, or fearing that I’ll turn into some whiny fuckhead and wanting to punch my own stupid face. It’s why I always post about stupid video games and make jokes about toilets and 69 and shit. It just seems easier to make lame jokes and put on that happy face like everything is cool, rather than just facing my problems, or even just writing them down somewhere (like here).
The reason I’m writing this now is because I’ve spent the last couple of weeks hearing about people being suicidal, and some people going through with it. I don’t know any of these people. I’ve never met them and I probably never will. But whenever I see or hear something like “Does anyone know [internet person’s] contact info? This could be life-or-death here!” and/or “RIP [Person’s name]” followed by a link to a suicide prevention hotline, I get that terrible feeling of dread that tingles the back of your head. Sure, there’s that general sense of empathy over the loss of someone, even if I have no idea who they are. But then there’s that other reality check of a gutpunch that hurts worse than any fight I’ve ever been in: that could have been me.
With luck, that will never be me. I know that are people out there who be absolutely destroyed if I were gone, as narcissistic as that may sound. That no matter how bad my internal monologue may be, no matter how hard it is to get up in the morning, or how hard it is to sleep at night, no matter how many times my sub-conscious likes to point out how much of a total fuck up I am; that nobody reads my terrible stories, laughs at my lame dad jokes, or plays my shitty games because they’re bad and I’m even worse, I feel like I’m doing a disservice to people if I just say “fuck it” and end everything.
But there is one thing I plan to do: Not be a coward hiding behind irony and bad jokes, and put this stuff out there more often. Maybe just to show folks that they’re not alone? I don’t know. I’m not sure if I have that level of reach. I suppose it couldn’t hurt to try, though.