I had a very long Skype conversation with someone tonight. No, this was not a conversation about depression, like you may have assumed. It was just general chitchat with someone I haven’t spoken to in a year or so. It was weird, because it felt less like a chat and more of a debate. A debate with myself. At least, myself from about two years ago, when I was an obnoxious shitheel saying and doing stupid shit. I didn’t get mad at this guy or anything (and he wasn’t particularly bad, just doing the “mental gymnastics to find ways to justify people being shitty” thing tha I’ve been guilty of), I just held my (digital) tongue.
I’d like to think that I’ve spent the last month and a half to two months growing up a little bit, and finally getting that level of maturity that a 28 year old is supposed to have. But that’s not true.
If you haven’t been following the comment threads on my posts, I reinstalled Skype for people who are struggling with their problems, and feel the need to vent, just so they can have someone to talk to when they feel like nobody else will listen. A way for you, the reader, to feel better. And maybe a way for me to feel better, knowing that we’re not alone in our day-to-day emotional struggles. This offer is still open; my ironic as hell Skype handle is on the sidebar over there. But I’ve also been reminded tonight why I still haven’t grown up.
A couple months back, an online friend of mine was going through his own battle with depression and having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t feel as though he was being serious, though, and got pissed off at him. I thought that using humor while openly discussing suicide felt like an insult (it also happened to occur when I was flipping the fuck out over completely unrelated issues and I irresponsibly lumped this is with them), rather than just him deflecting his emotions. I should’ve taken what he said seriously, especially since nobody else did. Instead, I was no better than the people who ignored him, and stopped talking to him for a while. Luckily, he’s alive and getting the help he needs. But it could have been so much worse: What kind of asshole am I, to be telling people that I’m willing to hear them out on their problems, and then turn around and tell someone else who’s hurting to fuck off?
I apologized to this guy tonight. Whether or not he accepts is up to him. He doesn’t owe me anything, and is well within his right to tell me off at any time. Regardless, I’ll have that guilt and that heavy conscience on me for a very long time.