It’s been really difficult to sit down and make things lately. Making something really good, I mean. There’s that WWE dating sim I’ve been doing as a joke, but I’ve been wanting to sit down and create something of worth for a little while. But it’s been hard, and it’s honestly been bad enough to start making me rethink a lot about my creative abilities and how I process them.
The problem is that I’ve been very, very angry lately. It’s been some time since I could really think of a day where I was not reminded of how much I hate people and hate things. Family problems. Gender problems. Societal problems. At least one trans person has been killed every week since 2015 began, and there’s always a chance I could be next. Gamergate is still happening, and I know all I have to do is say the wrong thing or get on the wrong person’s bad side and suddenly my address is posted on a child pornography website, all while the producers of Bioshock and World of Warcraft play cheerleader. TERFs on Twitter are prowling profiles looking to dox another woman, hoping that “he” gets “his.”
I really just want to haul off and get physical with these people. Throw some fists, lock in some holds, do something painful to those who want to kill me. But it’s been really hard to try and put those feelings into words. Sure, I’ve been saying “I’m mad,” but I can’t just leave it at that. What the hell kind of story would that be?
And how can I go out expressing these feelings without coming across as sick? Or as trying too hard, like I’m Jigsaw Jr. or some shit? I get so frustrated that it becomes hard to write. Like, how can I tell a story about slamming someone’s face in the pavement without looking like an asshole, is what I’m trying to figure out. And in trying to sort this out, it’s really put a stop to any creative ideas that aren’t, “who will confess their love to John Cena at Wrestlemania?”