I’ve been having these terrible stress dreams lately. They’ve all been about me trying to exist out in the world as a full-on woman. Making sure my clothes and my makeup are right. Making sure my voice doesn’t “slip” back into its original masculine state. Making sure I stay safe. Making sure my friends still like me after they see me. It sucks. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’ve been stressed the hell out in the real world doing the exact same shit.
I’m not going to lie: there are a lot of times I’m terrified of going outside looking the way I do. So I take the Coward’s Way Out and go right on back to passing myself off as a man. I hate myself for doing it every single time. For some reason, there are younger trans women that look up to me, and what kind of example am I setting by doing that? I mean, it’s not like I hate being trans, or wish I never came out or anything like that. I’m just really afraid of what’s out there waiting for me if I don’t “look right.” Combine that with my own self-loathing and the ever-present Gender Problems (or dysphoria, as the normies call it), it’s a wonder I can even properly function like a normal human being.
I look forward to a day where this isn’t a problem.