11/24/2020

I took the last couple of weeks off for what should be obvious reasons. Wasn’t exactly feeling like sitting down and talking about my consumption of media when there were more important things going on. This will be more of a general “this is how I’ve spent my time” post rather than a focused write-up.

I’ve mostly been taking it easy. The weather is getting colder here in Colorado. It’s a time of the sun setting earlier, cold wind numbing your entire face, listening and re-listening to your Shoegaze collection, and trying to avoid showing any degree of pleasure or happiness while everyone else is affected by seasonal depression; sorry, but I really fucking love Fall. That also means that this is the best time to spend my days bundled up in a blanket, avoiding the miasma outside as much as possible. And what do you do when you’re all wrapped up? You either watch a movie or play a long-ass RPG. Living the gimmick here, I’m going to talk about an RPG.

Been playing some Hyperdimension Neptunia. It’s that time of year where I feel the need to consume as much cutesy anime shit with a moderately-sized budget as possible. I have a weird “seasonal” taste in my media. Does it have magical girls screeching and making weird faces while fighting monsters before they have to get back to class? Give me that shit. Inject it directly into my veins like it’s a popular new designer drug. I have to balance myself with adorable things, as much as I do with gory blood shit or fast cars.

Hyperdimension Neptunia is a game where a bunch of anthropomorphic video game console fight each other in a war that never ends. The main character, Neptune (named after the unreleased Sega Neptune) gets hit in the head, and falls to fake video game earth, losing her memory, and then hijinks ensue. That’s really all you need to know. The rest of the game is fighting game references, dialogue full of memes, and grinding a ton so you can fight the next boss. But you know what? That’s all I need. Neptunia is a very simple game. An issue with a lot of RPGs of this particular era is that they are way too fucking long, with very little happening. I remember playing Persona 4 several years ago and wondering when this prologue chapter would end and I could actually do stuff with my controller; that shit went on for what felt like hours, and probably was. I don’t have that problem. Dialogue windows in this game are not especially long. There’s a ton of small sidequests and a bunch of extra dungeons to explore, but it’s all active. You’re constantly doing something in the game. The combat? It’s not pressing “Fight” on a menu, there’s a whole combo system at work. There’s this constant interactivity, which is great, because it means that even when I’m turning my brain off to get experience or money, I’m not bored out of my fucking skull while I’m doing it.

Something I was a bit wary of when I loaded the game was the degree of horniness present. I mean, these girls do look pretty young, and a lot of games like this love to do the whole “she’s actually a 3000 year old demon” bullshit. And…it’s surprisingly tame? Like, there are definitely some characters with some big mondo tits, but at least they’re adults. It’s not like my nightmare experience of playing Blue Reflection on PS4, where the developers thought giving its 14-year-old protagonist jiggle physics was a great idea, in addition to providing lots of shower scenes and having her school uniform turn transparent in the rain so you get to see her underwear. Fuck Blue Reflection, I don’t give a fuck how good its music is. Hyperdimension Neptunia is more like, at worst, I would be put on an FBI list, as opposed to wondering if there are armed agents literally outside my door.

Anyway, the game fucking owns. I plan on playing more of this, and maybe even trying out its sequels when I’m done.

 

I’ve also been spending a bit of time getting back into Tekken 7, now that season 4 has arrived. Taking a look at all of the changes that have occurred, trying to get back to the rank I was on PS4, but on the PC version. How am I doing with that?

Think I’m doing fine.

I’m either playing with randos, or playing with my friend Hazel. Things have been really fun, and I’ve also noticed that I’ve gotten a lot less frustrated when losing. Every match is a learning opportunity, win or lose. If I get completely destroyed 3-0, well hey, that means I should learn to adapt to my opponent, or even hit up training mode if I need to. Losing causes me to laugh more than seethe, which is great. Like, yeah, I do take getting better at fighting games seriously, but they’re still games. It’s not a matter or life or death if I fucked up an input, or dropped a combo like a freaking dope, or if I’m faced with an unfamiliar match-up I don’t know what to do with. Fighting games are great.

So I think that’s a good place to wrap up this pos-

NO WAIT! FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!? MY WORLDS! MY WORLDS ARE COLLIDING!

Video games rule.

Maybe I’ll do another post this week. Something more dedicated. Just needed to shake the rust off with this one.

3DO-Face #2: Blonde Justice (NSFW)

Last time I did one of these, I was very let down. I wasn’t expecting the first porn game I played on the 3DO to be so…pathetic. Playing Neurodancer, I sat there and thought to myself, “well, it can’t possibly get any worse than this.”

It’s going to get worse. This is Blonde Justice.

Let me start by getting this out of the way: Blonde Justice is not an actual game. It is simply a piece of software for the 3DO. It’s like putting a DVD in your PS2 and pressing the start button to pause and play. So this will just be a review of a porno I watched, which depending on your thoughts on sex work, my writing, or me as a person, will either be a new low or a new high.

There is a plot to this movie. I think. I mean, I watched every second of it, and tried like hell to pay attention. The problem is that you can’t actually hear any of the dialogue, as everyone is drowned out by the terrible Cinemax music. In my attempt at groping for some sort of video game analogy, it’s like a late-90s Capcom game in terms of its audio leveling. What I managed to gather was something about a strip club? One of the girls is being stalked? Said stalker wears a nearly-transparent stocking over his head that does not hide his identity in the slightest? There’s maybe a minute of dialogue before the “action” happens.

You got all these people I don’t care about spouting all this bull shit for about thirty seconds, before this sudden, jarring jump-cut to women dancing in front of a green screen for several minutes, before going back to thirty seconds of incoherent dialogue. Rinse and repeat until the end.

And these green screens are something. These Battlefield: Earth angles. Dancing in front of people looking away from the girls. A cityscape. All kinds of shit.

Oh, and real quick aside here: if anyone knows what the name of this arcade game this girl is dancing in front of is, please let me know in the comments section. Might be a good one to check out the next time I do a racing game round-up.

I apologize in advance here, because this will be a shorter entry than I’m used to. There’s not much to say. There’s a disjointed story broken up by this surreal concept of eroticism. Wordless, emotionless, frictionless seduction set to b-roll footage pilfered from a production library. Blonde Justice is like porn made by incomplete robots who had never even heard the word “sex” before, let alone put together anything remotely horny. Like Vivid Video invested in a machine learning algorithm.

You know, Neurodancer sucked. It was sad, pathetic horseshit where the interactivity was a cynical joke. But here’s the thing: Neurodancer had nudity. Yeah, that’s right, Blonde Justice, a pornographic movie, is lacking nudity. That is such a monumental fuck-up that I can’t even begin to criticize in any meaningful way. All I can do is wildly move my hands and do some exasperated yell-stutter asking nobody in particular HOW DO YOU MAKE A PORNO WHERE NOBODY GETS NAKED!? Oh, it’s suggestive, sure, but this isn’t supposed to be some bullshit you catch on one of the premium movie channels on a Saturday night. This was a product that cost money; probably a lot, and was published by an actual porn company. Some horny sucker spent part of the their paycheck on this bullshit, when they could’ve just jerked off to Chun-Li’s Spinning Bird Kick in Super Turbo, because as terrible as that is, you are getting the same level of titillation.

even the lesbian sex part goes out of its way to not show anything

If you make it all the way to the end, and if you look really carefully, you might see a boob or two. They’re on screen for all of half a second, and I to rewind multiple times just to get these screenshots, but they are there. I guess as some retroactive gotcha to prove it could be horny. So here you go, Vivid, a quick retraction: Blonde Justice is a porn movie completely lacking in nudity, except for two very quick scenes.

hot damn, boys. pull out the kleenex and poppers.

That’s Blonde Justice. It was bad. It was a waste of my time. A little TMI, but I went through this shitshow completely flaccid throughout. I’m starting to think that maybe adult entertainment on the 3DO was a bad idea. Go subscribe to someone’s OnlyFans or something instead of this. Jesus.

I need to start playing games I like, so I can finally have a blog post where I’m not so damned negative

who is this for?

EDIT: in my research (yeah, yeah, I know), I discovered that the lead actress was on the cover of that horrible Blink-182 album.