11/10/2018: trying something new

Going to try changing things up on here. Making posts about stuff that isn’t “I’m sad/angry/bitter and the world sucks” all the time. As of late, I’ve been going around, looking at Japanese game blogs that still manage to maintain that mid-2000s internet aesthetic. Just folks making posts about whatever game they’re playing that day, with screenshots and little write ups, but without being full-on articles. Going to start doing stuff like that, though I’ll be including other interests besides games, but it’s still a good way to try and keep a positive outlook online during the dark times.

I got UFC 3 yesterday. Wednesday marked my two-month streak of sobriety, and I wanted to treat myself to something nice, and the game was $20. And it is a lot of fun. I’ve barely scratched the surface in terms of modes and match types, mostly challenging myself with things like “trying to win with CM Punk and Kimbo Slice” or having women’s matches where I repeatedly knock out Ronda Rousey.

Very cathartic stuff.

Plus, on the men’s side, you can KO/submit assholes like Matt Hughes and Tito Ortiz. And while there’s no Brock “I don’t like gays, write that down in your little notebook” Lesnar, the game did make sure to include another goofy looking homophobe to beat up. And for whatever reason, it’s fucking Dana White, the UFC president.

I’ll eventually try out the career mode and the create a fighter once this all gets boring. But for the day I’ve had the game, it’s been awesome.


I want to end this post on a high note, so here it is. I’ve been going through and deleting/uploading old photos on my phone, as I’m about to get a free upgrade and leave this hand-me-down iPhone 4 in the dust where it belongs. Here’s a spicy shot of me from two years ago. Have fun with that.

this is a post about my ps3 hard drive

I’ve mentioned before that I really like playing my PS3 when the weather starts warming up. Just something about playing the system’s games over the Summer that sticks with me for nostalgic reasons; the system is a decade old, which makes it eligible for nostalgia. And I also mentioned how I like to sit back and chill out with the few games that support custom soundtracks. Stuff like Burnout and Gran Turismo. I want to talk about this for a moment.

I got two games around roughly the same time, Killzone 2 and one of the WWE games. I specifically bought them for no other reason than they had support for custom soundtracks. And also because I wanted another multiplayer shooter on PS3 that wasn’t Metal Gear Online, and making goofy characters in a wrestling game can be fun for a little while. It turned out to be the only good those games had because they were fucking terrible otherwise. I do not own either of them anymore. But when I did have them, I threw a bunch of random songs from my iPod onto my system, which I have  changed very little in the last ten years. I would add Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” after buying (and regretting) Space Invaders Infinity Gene, and I wanted to make reference to that one Futurama episode.

Anyways, the point of this post: a zip folder of all the songs I put on my PS3. These were songs I thought be nice to either shoot people in a game with terrible controls, or walk to the ring to. Now, I find them nice to drive around to in my racing games.

DOWNLOAD LINK

Track list:

  • Dakota Star- It’s All About You
  • Dakota Star- Soul Surfer
  • Dakota Star- What To Believe
  • Dakota Star- Regret
  • Dakota Star- Break Down
  • Dakota Star- Children of the Revolution
  • Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake- Advance Immediatecy
  • Buffalo Daughter- Beautiful You
  • Beastie Boys- Ch-Check It Out
  • DANGEROUS MEZASHI CAT- CHEETAH IN THE DARK
  • Architecture in Helsinki- Debbie
  • Iceman- Galaxy Gang
  • Demi Lovato- Get Back
  • Demi Lovato- Two Worlds Collide
  • Demi Lovato- Trainwreck
  • Demi Lovato- Remember December
  • Lifeseeker- Gone Guru
  • Genki Rockets- HEAVENLY STAR
  • The Sounds- Home is the Heart is
  • The Sounds- Seven Days A Week
  • The Strokes- Last Night
  • The Strokes- Is This It
  • The Strokes- Someday
  • Vinyl Fantasy VII- Mako Reactor
  • Redman and Oh No- Lay You Out
  • Panda Riot- Marker
  • Mirror’s Edge Theme
  • The Pillows- My Foot
  • Hello- New York Groove
  • Corniche Camomille- Onion Soup Crazy
  • Teddybears- Punk Rocker
  • The Beatles- Revolution
  • Siren: Blood Curse Ending
  • The World Ends With You OST- Someday
  • Norman Greenbaum- Spirit In The Sky
  • capsule- STAY WITH YOU
  • Hazel Nuts Chocolate- Swing Life
  • Hideki Kaji- Tea
  • Lily Allen- The Fear
  • Men Without Hats- The Safety Dance
  • Rush- Tom Sawyer
  • Plastic Parachute- Tres Chic
  • Maximum The Hormone- What’s Up People!?
  • Maximum The Hormone- Zetsubo Billy
  • Kaela Kimura- You Know You Love Me?
  • Peter, Bjorn, and John- Young Folks
  • TM NETWORK- YOUR SONG

update

Figured I should make a blog post, so as not to let people think I’ve died or completely gone insane over the course of the last week. Well, uh, I haven’t.

Admittedly, it’s been a bit hard at times. I haven’t touched any alcohol this whole time, which is good. But then I still have to deal with all the bad late-night thoughts without any chemical assistance. It’s something I’ll have to learn to deal with all over again, I suppose.

I’ve spent most of my “detox” playing Spider-Man on the PS4, which I got as a gift. It’s a really good game, though I’m bummed that there was no Venom and no Symbiote costume. And those Taskmaster side missions can go fuck themselves.

yo you remember the end of metal gear solid 2????????

I also managed to do a couple of streams for the Dreamcast’s anniversary. You should watch them.

That’s pretty much been it: playing video games and trying to keep my head down as best I can. I’ve still been getting informed of the news, both in the IRL and the internet, and none of it is good. And as tempting as it is to get mad and yell and get into a fight with someone in some vain hope for justice or revenge (whichever comes first) that I know full well will never come, I have to remember that it helps nobody, least of all me.

As far as doing art and stuff like that goes, that particular head space is getting a bit clearer. I might even try doing some stuff tomorrow. And again, I apologize to everyone who really likes that stuff, and especially sorry to everyone who supports my Patreon. I hate not being able to “perform,” for lack of a better term, but it was probably not a good idea to tap into the negative parts of my brain again so soon after literally wanting to kill myself.

All this being said, I think I still need to be less “on” for a while. Putting yourself out there for four years straight without a break really fucks with you. I would really like to be in a spot, mentally and emotionally speaking, where I’m not calling a friend while I’m on the verge of a breakdown because I can’t trust myself. I’ll still be doing streams (tune in tomorrow when I continue with Sonic Adventure) and trying to get some art done. But I think it’s still a good idea to keep this current trend of staying inside my own self-made bubble and focusing on me, something I’m not really used to doing.

Before I wrap this up and hit “publish,” I’d like to take a second and thank everyone who sent me messages and well wishes over the past week. Funny, it’s only been a week, but it feels like a month has gone by. In any event, I did see them, and I appreciated them. Situations like that, you always feel alone, and too afraid to reach out. It’s a good reminder that that isn’t the case for me.

Anyways, I love you all, except for the people I don’t. I’ll post again in a week. Maybe earlier if something cool happens or if I finally make something.

Marvel’s Spider-Man_20180908154015

a message

Last night, I was drunk, and also going through a manic episode that ended in me being severely depressed afterwards. To the point that I stumbled my way through my apartment, looking up at the ceiling to see if I had anything; a hook or some sort of object strong enough to be able to support my body weight if I were to hang myself on it. And then when I couldn’t, I simply slumped back into my chair, crying, and dialed up the first friend I saw on Discord. I was at a point where if I didn’t have someone around, even if only in a digital capacity, I would have found a different way to hurt myself. I’m thankful she was there. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I don’t want to die, but I also have a brain that doesn’t want me to live.

I should probably explain myself a little better. Despite all my public blog posts saying otherwise, it should be plainly obvious to everyone that I never actually did get over a lot of terrible things that happened in 2015. The post-gamergate harassment and all the shit with alt-games. I still have nightmares about how close I came to losing my friend Hazel because of what those assholes did to her. It’s unforgivable. The fact that they’re still hurting people doesn’t help.

In addition to that, another one of my long-distance friends has more or less been driven offline. Yet another example of “if we call the problematic tranny a pedophile enough times, everyone will believe it, even if it’s total bullshit.” That shit happened to my friend Sarah years back, and there’s a reason why you haven’t seen or heard from her in a long time. And it sucks, and it’s unfair, that the only way to avoid something like that is to silence yourself and disappear. I didn’t fucking destroy my reputation and put my personal safety at risk for a group of ungrateful white feminists four years ago just to say that yeah, actually, the only way to avoid online harassment is to not be online. To never express yourself and have a voice.

My friends are disappearing for their own sakes, what’s left of my family is slowly dying, my girlfriend is currently laying in a hospital bed in the ER because of a medical condition. All this stress, and my own fucked up mental illness are keeping me from making things; work on all my projects has been super slow, and I hate it. I feel like I’m letting down all the people who support me monetarily. I can’t help but feel like I’m a massive failure. A failure as a person (because everyone hates me; do a quick Twitter search), a failure as a friend, a failure as a partner, a failure as an artist. Just in general, an absolute failure. If I can’t be me, and I also can’t help the people in my life, then what good am I?

My coping mechanism has been to drink, and yell and cry over the slightest inconvenience. I have completely lost control. Nobody ever wants to feel helpless and powerless, and that’s all I feel anymore. My one constant companion is my own internal voice, helpfully reminding me that I’m horrible, and have always been horrible, and that the entire world is justified in its outright hatred of me.

And it’s blasphemous for me to say, as someone who is compelled to always be “on,” but maybe I should be “off” for a while. That I should take a break. I mean, yeah, I’m currently completely useless and unable to do anything of any worth, but it would probably be so much worse if I did something stupid and weren’t even physically around to be useless. I’m tired. I’m tired of crying in front of my friends because I had another PTSD flashback. I’m tired of being mad. I’m tired of being reminded of the past. I’m tired of everyone I care about being in pain. I’m simply tired of all this bullshit. The fact that I straight up planned to kill myself last night should be a testament to that.

So, I think, I should maybe go away for a while. Limit what I do online. Change my real life routine. It’s hard to move on when you’re constantly being given a daily reminder of what you’re trying to move on from. As someone who watches a lot of wrestling “shoot” interviews, I don’t want to end up like Bret Hart having to talk about the Montreal Screwjob twenty years after it happened. I’d like to go back to being happy, or at least as happy as a bipolar tranny freak can be.

shut up wesley

I’ve mentioned in a few past entries that my internet home away from home is Cybre.Space. Cybre.Space is one of many “instances” that use the Mastodon software. I put that last sentence in there to try and clarify that “Mastodon” is not one singular social media site; the correct term for the inter-connection of instances is “The Fediverse.” Anyways, I’ve also mentioned my disdain at Wil Wheaton joining an instance, and trying to make himself at home. Which is exactly what he did.

A little background info: the reason myself, and a number of other people, all jumped on-board the fediverse was because of things like harassment and being no-platformed based solely on what we are. The fediverse boasts a large number of queer and trans users. The fediverse is an opportunity for us to try and rebuild ourselves; our names, reputations, and voices. Things that have been taken away on Twitter.

Years back, during Gamergate’s height, Randi Harper created a shared blocklist that was described as targeting the worst of the movement. Twitter’s staff certainly wasn’t going to ban them, so pre-emptively blocking them was the second best option. But then, it was discovered that this was not the case. The list she was passing around was her own personal blocklist. Harper is a registered Republican with a long documented history of hatred towards the transgender population. So in actuality, the “anti-GG” blocklist people were subscribing to was not to shut out a horde of screaming weirdos mad about video games, but rather trans people and their allies who were tired of being treated like shit. Now, while Randi’s list is not the first anti-trans blocklist out there, it is the largest, with the most reach. Even now, three years later, many trans people are still feeling the impact of their social circles being cut off, and opportunities to make a name and some money closed off before they could even get started. Some people, myself included, ended up getting doxxed over this whole thing.

Wil Wheaton used this list, and encouraged his million plus followers to also use it. When the anti-trans part was brought to his attention, he did nothing for a long time, then eventually came around to letting people know that he would personally unblock you on Twitter if you messaged him on his personal Tumblr account, which clearly makes up for everything, obviously. A number of people did, then found that they were blocked by him on Tumblr soon after. So it’s pretty easy to figure out that this was no accident, and that Wheaton absolutely has problems with trans people. And needless to say, between this, and his refusal to even comment on, let alone condemn, his friend Chris Hardwick over a number of abuse allegations raised against him, have not exactly endeared him to our community.

Fast forward to earlier this month, during the online strike against Twitter for its refusal to ban Alex Jones. Wheaton signed up for Mastodon. Now, he didn’t sign up for the “flagship” instance of Mastodon.Social. Or any instance that shows up on the fediverse. Rather, he joined an instance run by a guy who frequently deadnames Chelsea Manning, and wants to see her back in prison. An instance that will ban users from certain countries that “promote terrorism.” An instance so bad, it’s effectively banned from the fediverse at large (a number of alt-right instances are blocked from interacting with other instances at the admin/mod teams discretion). And then the first thing he did when got there was complain about how he couldn’t mute users on the federated timeline who didn’t speak English (a number of Mastodon instances exist within French and Japanese communities). So yeah, a guy with a reputation for transphobia and rape apologia showed up to an online service full of the same people he ran out in the first place, and acted like an entitled, racist idiot.

My initial take was to simply block and mute him, and encourage everyone else to do the same. This isn’t Twitter, he doesn’t hold the power to effectively silence an entire population here. He’s off on some shitty, alt-right instance far away from all of us. I maintained this position, even as he migrated to a less racist instance that does interact with the rest of us. As someone who has a 20+ page Kiwi Farms thread because of him, it wasn’t easy to maintain that position, and not proceed to digitally walk up to him and lay down the law. Of course, other people did, to the point that the admins of his instance felt like he wasn’t worth the hassle of keeping around. So he took his ball and cried about the mean trannies who bullied him.

And then The Verge, the same website that went to bat for an alt-right figurehead who should be in prison for rape, just so they could take a shot at me and Chelsea Manning (yeah, I’m as shocked as you are that I would ever be held remotely close to her esteem), sided with Wheaton. And now I’m starting that maybe Wheaton’s decision to move to Mastodon wasn’t so innocent.

Forgive me if I sound like a conspiracy theorist here, but given how it’s been revealed that there is a literal media conspiracy against trans people, I’ve learned to be a bit paranoid. Wil Wheaton more or less destroyed an entire social platform for a group that already faces a number of obstacles with making connections and earning an income in the first place, so he went to the site that they all had to migrate to thanks to him. And when he was predictably ran out by justifiably angry people, he could then run to the media and complain about how the harassment he faced from pissed off trans women was literally worse than the neo-nazis on Twitter. In essence, another platform for the same queer/trans people he clearly hates so much is now being looked at as a den of online abuse, akin to 4chan. We’re already being called “Woke Gamergate” by transphobes, and now we have to deal with the least liked Star Trek character fucking with us yet again. And I can’t help but feel like this was 100% his intention. I mean, his best friend is a rapist, and I can’t imagine the “respecting boundaries” apple falls far from that particular tree.

In conclusion: Shut up, Wesley. Please consider staying the fuck off the internet. Bazinga.

dream journal: 8/26/2018

I’m attending some sort of big festival. There are a lot of attractions, rides, things like that. Rather than do any of that, I enter a movie theater that’s been set up for the event. The schedule informs me that the feature will be a series of short films, each a few minutes in length.

The first movie is a cartoon. It features a man who is completely blue, like a Mr. Men character. He’s sitting in his living room chair, reading a newspaper. Everything is normal, until a thunderstorm suddenly occurs. The man gets up to look out his window to see the storm. Once he does, he recoils in horror, holding his hands up to his face while crying. He then removes his hands, to reveal his flesh melting off, leaving only a skeleton behind.

Movie number two is some sort of newsreel. It’s never explicitly said, but I’ve gathered through the usual dream world osmosis that this is actually supposed to be a secret government recording that was leaked to the public. It shows military planes dropping canisters over a city. The city turns out to be here in America, and is only one of two states away from mine. My best friend lives there, and I start to worry, even though this was recorded decades ago. The film ends here. It doesn’t explain what the canisters are, or why they were being dropped.

The third film is a ten second claymation short. Three clay men scream in agony while melting, leaving only skeletons, just like the man in the first film. I’m starting to put two and two together, realizing that the canisters are doing this.

The last movie is literally a live feed of the news. An alert has gone out: a massive, mysterious blast is about to occur in the same state that the government dropped those canisters. I know that this is their fault.

The blast happens. I can feel the aftershocks all the way here. A series of gauges appear in the corner of the eye, each one telling me that it’s unsafe to go outside. Apparently, the outside is highly irradiated, and this radiation is unable to make its way indoors.

In the time I’ve been watching these movies, a number of buildings have managed to get connected to one another. I go from the theater, which is now within a school, which is now within a grocery store, which is now within an apartment complex. I’m panicking. Like I said earlier, my best friend lives where the blast took place, and I want to know if she’s still okay.

Unfortunately, I don’t have her phone number, and I don’t have internet access. All I can do is go from place to place, through a crowd of people who don’t seem to notice anything is wrong, and are going about their usual business. I’m looking for a tv with a dial, or a computer, or something that I can use to figure out what’s going on, or to try and make contact. I do this for what feels like days. Eventually, I have no choice but to give up; I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough. I make my way through the big maze of buildings to a nearby Target. I buy a bottle of iced coffee, because it’s six in the morning, and I’m getting tired. The manager walks up to me and offers me a job.

looking forward to the death of social media

These last few days have been an unofficial “log off Twitter because it’s run by Nazis who jack it to Alex Jones” holiday. On one hand, cool, people are finally realizing that they don’t have to be tethered to a single website in order to promote themselves and their work. On the other hand, it now means Wil Wheaton is on Mastodon, a site I signed up for to get away from transphobic rape apologists like him, and to get away from the seemingly endless number of anti-trans blocklists that assholes like him have been spreading around all these years. But in any case, less people using “Social Media” is a good thing.

I see this argument repeated time after time, as a justification to continue using services like Twitter:

“I met my partner on this site!”

“I got a good career using this site!”

“I made some great friends on this site!”

And yeah, sure, these things are true, and good. But at what cost did we get these things? I met a lot of great people! People who I will hopefully be friends with for the rest of my life. People who I would fucking bleed for if it came down to it. And every goddamn day I hate, hate, hate, hate the circumstances in which we all met. Being doxxed by the same nazi forum, or smeared by the same video games clique, or being subjected to the same “call out posts,” or getting betrayed by Zoe Quinn are not, and should not be, the foundations for a good relationship. I shouldn’t have to say that I met my best friend over shared trauma. That is such bullshit. But that’s how social media works, unfortunately. And that’s why I want it to end.

I long for the days of everyone having a personal website, and posting on message boards. Was it perfect? Was it free of harassment and abuse? No! Of course not! But at the same time, it wasn’t like there were corporations actively trying to commodify that shit; you couldn’t make five figures a month chicken pecking “feminism is cancer” on your keyboard and posting it to Angelfire. Maybe some of this is nostalgia for a different time, but I think we can all agree that things would be better if we weren’t all held to the mercy of right-wing Silicon Valley. That your ability to have a voice is decided upon by a fucking Java programmer (or whatever Randi Harper does) and a D-list celebrity. The world would be a lot different, and dare I say, better, without Twitter. Without Facebook. Without all this other shit. Yeah, we have new friends in our life, but was it worth the trauma, the PTSD flashbacks, the harassment, the headaches, the complete and utter dissolution of American Democracy?

The internet can be, and at times is, an incredible tool for communication and bonding. And we need to find a way to make it better, because the people currently running the show will not.

Blast from the Past: Braid Liveblog

Sorry for not having posted anything in a while. I’ve been busy and sick and also I forgot to log onto my web site. I’ll have something a bit more substantial soon, but for now, I’m reposting something I did ten years ago.

Explanation: I had worked an overnight shift at my old job. And when I came home, Braid had just been released on the XBox Live Marketplace. And I had been dying to play this. Not because I thought the game would be good, but because every dickhead in indie games wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how it would literally change your life once you played it. Yeah, even a decade ago, I had a fairly antagonistic relationship with indie games. So, for the $15 or whatever, I downloaded the game, and liveblogged my experience with it. The plan was to play it until the number of energy drinks I had to stay awake at work wore off.

So, after digging through the Internet Wayback Machine, I found it. Take a look. And for the record, my praise for MGS4 and Bioshock were sarcastic, yes.

Okay so I just worked an overnight shift at my job. It’s currently 3:30 in the a.m. I am hyped up on so many energy drinks it’s not even funny. And right now I’m downloading the demo for Jon Blow’s Braid.

WILL IT CHANGE MY LIFE AND MY VERY PERCEPTION OF SAID LIFE FOREVER!? It fuckin’ better cause if not I’ll be saying lots of Very Bad Things on the Internet.

Impressions to come.

The Intro: ahahahahahaha fuck this game

The Game: WELL I’M SURE GLAD THAT CHANGED MY LIFE. Actually oh wait no it didn’t it’s just a generic platformer with:

“TIM NEEDED TO BE NON-MANIPULABLE. HE NEEDED A HOPE OF TRANSCENDENCE. HE NEEDED, SOMETIMES, TO BE IMMUNE TO THE PRINCESS’S CARING TOUCH.”

what.

I would much rather play Space Giraffe than this. And I fucking hate Space Giraffe.

Games that are better than Braid (besides Space Giraffe):

-Metal Gear Solid 4
-Bioshock

Goddamn this asshole swims around in his own ego and refers to himself in the third person for three years like he’s Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or something and this is the game we get? Man someone needs to lay the smack down on his ass.

IF YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’

“Our world, with its rules of causality, has trained us to be miserly with forgiveness. By forgiving too readily, we can be badly hurt. But if we’ve learned from a mistake and become better for it, shouldn’t we be rewarded for the learning, rather than be punished for the mistake?”

Fuck me this is like the help instructions from The Sexuality Life Dynamic.

Okay just so no one accuses me of not “getting it,” I’m gonna go ahead and buy the full game just so I can say fuck Jon Blow and his lack of talent and his exceptional knack for making regular people (otherwise known as Mainstream Gamers) look like drooling nincompoops and making the Indie Gaming community out to look like a bunch of fucking luddites pushing an Us vs Them mentality because Halo blzblz.

Actually nevermind. I forgot that the 360 doesn’t take real money like the PS3 does. I have to buy those stupid ass points for a 1,200 point video game. And because the only two nearby options are “1000 points- $12.50″ and “2000 points- $25.00″ I’d have to spend twenty five fuck dollars on this shit. That’s like half the cost of Siren: Blood Curse, and that was an actual video game! And it was actually really good!

Counting down until the inevitable “MICROSOFT DIDN’T GIVE US ENOUGH MONEY BOO HOO” interview that pretty much every indie dev on the 360 does.

You climb on fences like in Super Mario World.

It’s too bad David Hellman is such a good artist because this game is ass.

Jonathan Blow Presents: THESAURUS THE VIDEO GAME.

You know what I guess he was right. This game really did blow my mind. Because it seriously takes a lot to actually offend me with a bad video game and this definitely offends the hell out of me.

I’m going to predict THE INTERNET’S reaction to this game: “This game is so amazing look at me I’m too cool to enjoy Gears of War!”

THE ROCK SAYS KNOW YOUR DAMN ROLE

Fucking goofy ass looking ego tripping motherfucker ill piss in his fucking face if i were to see him in person

dammit i have the rocks theme song stucki n my head now

MAN

man

shit its four am going to bed now

a careful, logical response to jesse singal’s latest article

It’s dumb fucking bullshit written by a bigoted asshole. He’s a dumbshit ass moron chaser who writes these useless thinkpieces because he gets mad at himself for getting a boner while looking at Bailey Jay. Again. He deserves the Richard Spencer treatment of being knocked the fuck out by a solid right hand in full view of the public. And hey, allies: if you want to show that your activism and support isn’t just performative, you’ll want to get in on that action, too. Though, given how many of you are still trying to find new and exciting ways to label Chelsea Manning a nazi, and mocking her suicide attempt, I fucking doubt it. And I also doubt it, given how you didn’t listen to us when we told you that Singal was shit years ago. Or Graham Linehan. Or Jordan Peterson. Or about the far-reaching implications of so many right-wing names entrenching themselves in Gamergate. So we’ll just end up being the canary in the coal mine for yet another dipshit that you’ll all love and respect, until it’s no longer profitable to do so. So feel free to fuck off, instead.

cultural confession #1

Last month, there was that whole “Mermay” thing, where artists draw all different types of mermaids, mostly gay mermaids. Which is nice. Not really a thing that I’m personally into a whole lot, but it’s cool for everyone who is. But what’s the point of this post is hearing my friend Gabi talking about how mermaids were something of a coping mechanism for her; how she discovered things about her gender and sexuality. Which is something that kind of stuck with me; she’s much younger than I am, so there’s something of a generational gap between us, but it’s not as though there was no mermaid related content for my childhood self to be influenced by. Like The Little Mermaid, a movie I must have seen dozens of times as a kid.

So I had to really sit down and think: what was it that got me into the whole “queer/trans” thing?

Turns out I didn’t have to think for very long, because it’s something that has influenced by art and general “aesthetic.”

Magical girls!

Sailor Moon was on the air when I was a kid (station UPN 20, channel 3 on your cable box), and it was a big massive deal for me. Though, I was about seven years old, and had zero understanding of gender other than “boys and girls are different,” so I didn’t really understand why I loved watching that show so much. I just knew that I did, but I also knew that I had to keep it a secret; it was a girl’s show, and I was already getting beaten up at school enough without adding that to the reasons why.

Now while that was great, what really pushed me over the edge, so to speak, was when I somehow got an issue of Diehard Gamefan Magazine. You may remember Gamefan as a magazine known for having really great page layouts, and a dedication to covering import games, before completely imploding because the higher ups were all racist dickheads who were bad with money. Anyways, this particular issue had a three-page spread for the Sega Saturn game, Magic Knight Rayearth. Now, I had no idea that it was based on an anime, or even what an anime was, but something about those screenshots hooked me. I saw three cool looking girls fighting monsters, and it was the most appealing thing in the world. Of course, as I got older, I started to figure it all out; how it all would later play a role in being queer. Magical Girls are fucking awesome. They are my mermaid.

But this is a post called “cultural confession,” and here’s the confession: I’m 31 years old, going on 32, and I still have not watched more than one episode of Rayearth, and I’m still only partway through the Saturn game. You would think that with this series being so integral to my identity, I would have this encyclopedic knowledge of it. But I don’t. I am one of those fake gamer girls who doesn’t know shit about nothing! I keep telling myself that I’ll finally sit down one day and binge-watch the whole series. Maybe that will be a goal to reach before the end of the year?