oops i vanished again

Yeah, hey, I've been gone for a whole month again. I'll just tell you straight up: I had a fucking shit time in June, and I'm honestly still pretty mad about it midway through July. Other than attending Fyter Fest, last month sucked! I had to go to a terrible funeral where everyone was drunk or on one of the drugs that aren't fun to take where I was nearly killed multiple times because everyone on Earth has suddenly forgotten how to drive a car without murderous intent. I'm struggling to deal with the abstract nature of being someone with Autism and Pronouns In Bio living in a world that is increasingly hostile towards those things. Watching the world I grew up in die and get replaced by a cynical free market of 24 hour advertising and "hustle culture" where political values and the voices of the marginalized are as commodified as a box of Ritz crackers. Sick of a society of detached irony, where genuine emotion might as well be punishable by death.

Anyways, I've been making the mistake of internalizing my feelings, and it's led to me not wanting to do things. Sure, I could keep making negative posts where I vent and talk shit about people and complain about a YouTube channel I realized I was hate-watching after a couple of videos. Or, I could try and maintain a positive image for my site that instead goes inactive because I don't feel positive because I'm too busy feeling nihilistic in a dark room while I play Pokemon or some horny game that was originally on the PS Vita that only sold 100 copies.

All of this has led to me being even more anti-social than normal, with the moments I actually do talk to people taking more out of me than it should, and I'm starting to get tired of feeling that way. Also tired of feeling like I'm using my feelings as an excuse to get out of my own self-imposed responsibilities, like writing a new article every week, and finally working on a new game. I need to work on something as a way to work through how I'm feeling, but my autist brain is instead putting its metaphorical hand in front of me and doing that thing where your skills immediately degrade to such a degree you wonder how you were able to do any of this stuff in the first place. So right now, I'm stuck fighting off this "everything sucks and will never get better and nobody cares about you anyway" anchor tied around my ankles. Let me tell you: it is a real struggle! It is an incredibly frustrating thing to sit down and try to animate a sprite, feel like you've never done it at any point in your life despite doing it for years, and then the canvas remains blank an hour later. Even more frustrating when you feel like you're letting so many people down by looking like a lazy bum.

I did eventually get something:

I just wanted to let everyone know where I was at. Still feeling miserable and still looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. At least I have a lot of Pokemon to show for it, In fact, here are some that I caught in Emerald and Fire Red that I imported into Pokemon Colosseum for the Gamecube.