It’s been a while, since I’ve done one of these. Been too long since I wrote about an explicitly horny game, rather than the implied kind like Final Fight. Let’s get busy.
Penthouse magazine was the in-between of porn mags. It was more hardcore than Playboy, and less antisemitic than Hustler. One of those mythical publications that could be found in the woods, or under the bed of a parent or older sibling. Penthouse was a magazine I definitely uh, read a lot. At least until the emergence of peer-to-peer software like Kazaa gave us all a world of digital erotica right at our sweaty, dirty, perverted fingertips.
But I must ignore the convenience that the internet has given us perverts, and put myself back into the metaphorical shoes of a hypothetical horny 3DO owner. Like Vivid Video, Penthouse also had their own development studio. Looking around, there was an entire series of Penthouse Virtual Photo Shoot games for PC and Macintosh, so if you’re down for some grainy, pixelated nudity, be sure to break out the virtual machines. Volume 1 is the only one released for the 3DO, and as far as I can tell, only released in Japan. And there was definitely time and effort put into a Japanese localization; most of the text (what little there is) is in Japanese, and the game features a Japanese dub, so you will hear three very non-Asian women speaking fluent Japanese no problem.
I ended up going with Tiffany, as I couldn’t figure out what she was wearing on her head.
Turned out that this was an Egyptian-themed shoot, back when this was still considered okay. Also back when porn had an actual set.
The whole point of the game is that you select from a series of FMV clips, then click the camera icon on the bottom at the right time. Any pictures you take can be looked at later for your own uses. That’s it, that’s all there is to it. I probably should have used inverted commas when I said “game,” as there’s no reward for taking pictures well, nor is there any penalty for doing it badly. The whole interactive element seems to be tacked on; it easily could have been another series of FMVs like Blonde Justice was.
However, unlike Blonde Justice, or even Neurodancer, Penthouse actually accomplishes what it sets out to do. It’s porn on the 3DO that doesn’t take way too fucking long to get to the sexy parts, and actually features nudity. I’m making a lot of assumptions about 1) the kind of person to own a 3DO and 2) the kind of person to own porn on it, but I feel like this is perfectly acceptable for the horny games enthusiast. There are attractive women who take their clothes off, and you don’t have to play a boring mini-game or watch a shit movie to get to this point. It’s what you need if you don’t feel like turning off the console and switching over to some hardcore stuff on your VCR. I guess. Crank one out to three different women with an easily ignored game element.
Posting a small gallery here for any stragglers who somehow got here through Google. Hi, please consider reading the rest of this site after you’re done doing you know what.
Before I forget, the real reward to this whole game is to hear from a Japanese dubbed Bob Guccione, a man whose love of piss far exceeds my own. That is pretty fucking funny, honestly.
I’m going to switch gears here a bit, as there is another game very similar to Penthouse Virtual Photo Shoot that I feel I should talk about. The game in question is…
Virtua Photo Studio (Sega Saturn)
First of all, yes, this was published by fucking Acclaim. I assume that their Japanese branch was tired of pumping out shitty licensed games, and decided to try their hand at Sega Saturn titty games. As I said, this is very similar to Penthouse Virtual Photo Shoot, but with one major difference:
This game fucking owns. Specifically, because of this guy:
This guy, I don’t know who he is, probably the producer, is full of personality. You do well at taking pictures, or if you fuck it all up royally, he will let you know.
What I like about this game is that it is an actual game. It’s also really fucking hard! There is no fucking around here; you better be good at taking those pictures, or you will never see these ladies naked.
You pick your girl, then it’s time to take pictures. Of course, after you are warned by your producer not to fuck it up.
These girls will start doing their pose routines, and you have to snap photos at the right time. And you have to time this right, as they will go through the motions like they have other shit to do. No do overs, no requesting that maybe they slow the fuck down for a couple seconds. Do it right, and do it right now.
Do well enough, as I did, and then things get spicy. Now this is where you can pick outfits.
Then you take pictures again, and it is surprisingly difficult to snap a good shot of a woman as she gets them out. You have to be quick on the trigger.
There are also segments where the model will want to take a break, and you have to answer a series of her questions, I assume to keep her at ease and make her comfortable. Don’t think you can go through Virtua Photo Studio acting like Terry Richardson. I would have gotten screenshots of this, but it never came up during all the times I played this for the post, and the last time I played this was on my old PC that’s probably on a garbage boat about to be dumped into international waters.
But who gives a fuck about any of that? I appreciate a fine set of big himmer-hommers as much as the next pervert, but I’m all about that excitable man who yells at you between shoots.
Two horny games that aren’t particularly terrible. I’d still recommend the Saturn game, just because it has more personality. You know, if you ever think to yourself, “jeez, I’m tired of playing Fighters Megamix and Elevator Action Returns all the time. Time for horny photography game!” maybe give this one a shot.